For Today I am Content

I thought about skipping a post tonight; then I remembered that skipping a night, then another night, then another... that is how it starts and before you know it, weeks will pass again with no post. I don't have much on my mind tonight. Things are quiet; my youngest is in the bed and my oldest is watching basketball (nothing new there).

I suppose if I had to describe my mood tonight I'd say I'm pretty content. Yes it's the holidays and believe me I have more than my share of things to do. There are appointments I have to make, deadlines to meet at work, gifts to purchase, and on and on. But tonight I figure those things can wait until tomorrow.

My children are okay and so is my husband, we have a roof over our head, we both have jobs to go to, there was food to eat, and even the dog is okay. So for tonight I choose to let any worries keep until tomorrow. I think it's always good to take a night or two here and there to just be grateful for what is right instead of worrying about everything that you need to fix. No matter how many times you sweep the floor, pick up after your children, fix a meal and clean the kitchen, there's more that can always be done. But I am learning that no matter what, I just can't do it all. It doesn't mean I won't try to fit in as much as possible, it just means at some point I have to let it all go, at least for a little while.

Over the past few weeks I've heard stories from friends who have a lot on their plates. And even though I know that you all know I have a lot going on too, there's always somebody whose plate is just a little fuller.

So for tonight I'm good. Tomorrow is another day, full of its own set of challenges. For now I'm living in the moment and I have to say this moment is pretty good.

A Mom & Her Son

Mother and daughter relationships are really special. You can share girlie things, go to the nail salon together, shop for clothes and get each other's opinion, or just window shop. Even though I have a special needs little girl, I still get to enjoy those types of things. It is great to experience and I love it.

But there is also something special about a mom and her boy. As I said a few posts back, I don't talk much about my baby boy (so he is almost 14 but he is still MY baby). He is a teenager and anyone who has lived through the teen years with a child knows what that means. Sometimes you wanna drop them off on an island and go back for them when they turn 25 or so. Even with the mood swings, attitude, laziness with school work (I could go on but why depress myself?), all of it - I still LOVE  having a son. It's neat to see things from  a guy's perspective (other than his dad - sorry honey). He gets so excited about basketball and he actually does more than just watch it, he analyzes it! He talks like a sports commentator. I love it when he is obviously happy that I am in attendance at his basketball games even though he tries to act cool with it.

And when no one is watching (except for maybe his dad or sister) he will lay his head on mommy's shoulder and remind me that even though he is cool and too old to have me fuss over him, he still likes to get a hug from mom now and then.

It has been amazing to watch him grow and change. One day his voice was tiny and a bit high-pitched, and the next it was so low I almost didn't recognize it. A few weeks ago I picked him up from the bus and swore he had grown during the school day.

We are giving him a bit more responsibility as he grows and it is wonderful to gently guide him while he makes decisions about how to spend his money or his free time. The other day he made me so proud. It was during the Thanksgiving break and we were going out bowling as a family. I asked him if he wanted to eat before we left, he said no. I asked again since he hadn't had a bite all day and by this time it was about noon or a bit after. Again he said no. I took a snack to the bowling alley because my baby girl has to have a snack! I brought enough for my son in case he decided he wanted a bite. After bowling we stopped off at the mall and he said "ma, can I get some of that snack? I was fasting that's why I didn't eat earlier but when you showed me those rice crispy treats the second time I knew it was time to eat!"

His desire to participate  in fasting lets me know that he is learning and growing and paying attention to what his dad and I are trying to teach him. We pray each morning on the way to school and I encourage him to pray for guidance during the school day.

I am grateful that God chose my husband and I to raise this exceptional young man. He is a great kid and I am always so happy to see him at the end of the work and school day. Yes he can still be moody and good grief he can get on my  nerves! But that's what teens do I guess. No matter how much he may frustrate me from time to time, I am still proud to be his mom and I am honored to call him son.

A Tale of Two Worlds: Charter School vs. Public School - One Mom's View

First a disclaimer, my day job is working for a local school district. Considering the topic of this post, I figured it was only fair to start with that. As you all know I have two children. What you may not know is that I have one in public school and one in a charter school.  Having a place in both worlds has taught me a lot. I know that many believe charter schools are the next big thing in education, but I am not so sure about that. There are a lot of things that parents need to take into consideration before choosing a charter school.

First a little background. The public elementary school my daughter attended was great. The teachers were supportive of her issues and did all they could to help her fit in.  But by third grade it became apparent that as she got older and her issues became more complex she would do better to be in a smaller atmosphere with an aide and a bit more support. So, I did some research and thought that the charter school my daughter currently attends might be a better fit. In some cases I think a charter school, for a specialized group of children with specialized needs, might be a good thing.  Having said that, it often irritates me when people think that charter schools have the power to make children geniuses, while public schools are just plugging along.

Here’s what I’ve learned. Charter schools can take applications and choose the children they want to allow into their schools, public schools can’t do that.  Public schools must educate any child no matter what. Some charter schools are requiring volunteer hours in order for your child to remain at the school – yeah right, do you really think a public school could get away with that? Most parents at a charter school are committed to the school and to doing whatever they can to make the school successful. In a public school there are often homeless children, children with parents who want to be involved but often can’t afford to take time off from work, children with parents who frankly, just don’t care, children whose parents are doing all they can but the child doesn’t care. The point is - public schools, unlike charter schools, can’t turn students away, or kick them out if their parents don’t donate or give enough volunteer hours. Until recently (when some parents in the district complained) my daughter’s charter school and many others in my area, required so many hours of volunteering and if you didn’t meet the volunteer-hours quota, you could pay $10 per required volunteer hour instead.  That always bothered me but I felt like, hey what was I going to do? It was play by their rules or she was out.

And then there is the reporting process.  In the last few years I have felt as though my daughter’s school, (one that accepts children with all sorts of disabilities) is spreading itself too thin. When you take children with everything from a mood disorder to downs syndrome and everything in between, how can you possibly make sure all IEPs are followed and that they all get the attention they need? In public schools there is a hierarchy, a chain of command when you don’t get the level of assistance or answers you need. In a charter school that chain simply doesn’t exist. I have no idea who to go to if I don’t get the level of assistance her IEP demands. The charter school is an independent entity. While it is true that school districts monitor charter schools, those schools are still independent and as long as they follow state rules, they can run their school the way they see fit.

Don’t get me wrong, public schools have their share of challenges, that is FOR SURE. But while I believe charter schools may be really good for a certain niche or type of student, I still believe that at the end of the day, public schools need more support, more assistance, more parental involvement, heck they just need more. Everyone thinks they know how to solve the education crisis - business men who have never taught a day in their lives, politicians who just say whatever they think the public wants to hear to get elected, you name it. Meanwhile children, my son and daughter included, are trying to figure out how to perform for the latest standardized test that proves … um anybody know what it proves?

Do I have the answer to the problem? Heck no, I am still struggling with potty training my special needs child.  But I will say this, putting up a charter school on every corner isn’t the answer. And standardized testing students to death in public schools, changing the standards every five minutes, and making teachers so responsible for students that they should be able to claim their entire class on their taxes, isn’t the way to go either. For all of our children’s sakes, we have to find a balance. So before you get angry at your child’s neighborhood school and pull them out for the latest charter school fad be sure that you can say you supported the school as best you could, you worked with the teachers tirelessly, you wrote your legislator about all of the rules and regulations they have demanded, many that don’t even make sense. Just make sure you did more. Take it from me, a mom with a foot in both worlds (charter school and public school), what they say is true – the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

P.S. Aren’t you proud of me, blogging two days in a row! Maybe I am turning over a new leaf!

Oops I Did It Again!

This is soooo sad. Every time I promise myself I won’t do it again, and then days turn into weeks, weeks into a month and…. I always admire people that can juggle a million hats and still find time to blog on a regular basis. And as calming as writing can be, I am absolutely exhausted by the end of the day and figure blogging can wait until tomorrow.

A quick recap, my daughter is doing about the same.  Her charter school is failing her in my opinion. They aren’t following all that her IEP says they are to do. She is coming home soaking wet more days than I care to count and, this is rich, recently they sent home a referral because she has to be redirected too often in class… seriously?  The child has ADHD, duh! Of course you have to constantly redirect her.  And then she apparently rolled her eyes at the teacher. Again, I say, really? The child has a mood disorder um yeah, rolling her eyes, that’s pretty typical.  Don’t get me wrong, I know she must learn to follow rules and focus on her work, but this teacher had detailed days that she had to deal with the behavior, yet, I never got a phone call or a note. And if they sent the note home with my daughter, yeah, it’s a wing and a prayer if she actually keeps everything in her book bag. 

She has been more aggressive lately, more defiant. But when you add hormones on top of everything else, that is to be expected. They told me the middle school years would be tough but OMG, I never expected all of this!
Meanwhile my 8^th-grader is giving me a run for my money. Typical teen, he knows everything and his dad and I are totally clueless. It’s amazing how hard it is for kids to picture that their parents were once their age and that no matter what they come up with to try and break the rules, there is NOTHING new under the sun.  I don’t blog much about my son, not because I don’t want to, but he is at an age where he really values his privacy and I try to respect that. But even though he can drive me CRAZY and he can often want to take the easy way out when it comes to school work, he is an amazing young man. It has been a joy to watch him grow. He will be 14 in two short months. Even though I’ve been a witness to every moment of his life, I can’t believe how quickly time has gone by.

And I have really gotten into a new hobby – cooking. For years I’ve allowed most to believe I cook just enough to make sure everyone in my home eats, but I am actually pretty good at it. And over the past year or so I’ve discovered that when I kick my family out of the kitchen and have the room all to myself, it relaxes me. I am so focused on the recipe (if I am cooking something new) or on changing things up to keep it from getting boring, that I don’t worry as much about my daughter’s future, getting my son through high school with all of the RIDICULOUS changes the school system is making, or the fact that my husband left his shoes in the middle of the floor for us all to trip over (sorry honey). I will have to share some of my favorite recipes from time-to-time.

Meanwhile, I will blog again tomorrow (I PROMISE!). For all you parents thinking about charter school vs. public school, my next entry will be of great interest to you. Until then… hope your Thanksgiving was a good one.

Tantrums, Sleepless Nights, FMLA and a Fractured Ankle

Wow, I can’t believe the summer is just about done and it’s time to send my babies off to school. Although they are now 12 and 13, they will always be mama’s babies. So I haven’t blogged in a while – big surprise. Believe me, I have thought about it, but working 10-hour days, participating in church activities, keeping my house in order, and managing a special needs child and a 13-year-old left little time for sleep much less writing.

But I have to say I have missed it, and boy has it been a busy summer. My daughter’s tantrums and downright belligerence has ebbed and flowed.  The change in her ADHD medicine has helped some, and I think I am getting better at learning how to pick my battles with her. She’s had a few bouts of sleeplessness but not too bad. She enjoyed her trip to Baltimore, although after a few days of sleeping in a bed other than her own (in the hotel), she was a bit frazzled. She is always excited to go visit a new place but equally excited to return to the familiarity of what she knows.

Almost two weeks ago though, she fractured her ankle and is now in a cast. The child loves to flip and although they told her to stop, she just HAD to try one more and …. Yep CRACK! I don’t have to tell you, a child who isn’t a special needs child in a cast can’t be fun, add my daughter’s disability on top of it and it’s a recipe for disaster. We are making the best of it though.

Recently I  filled out my FMLA paperwork for another year and this time, when I read the list of diagnoses her doctor included in the justification, one really struck me. Mind you, it doesn’t come as a surprise that she added it and it isn’t unexpected, but to see it in writing really threw me for a loop.  While I share a lot in this blog, I won’t name the diagnoses out of respect for my baby girl’s privacy. But most of you can likely guess. It’s hard to explain why a diagnoses that I knew was inevitable seemed to impact me so – maybe it’s because seeing it in writing makes it seem so final, so permanent, so real. I often wonder how I will ever be able to explain all of it to my daughter. Some days I know she feels that she is different, other days, she seems blissfully unaware.  I don’t know that she fully understands all that is challenging in her life and I have to say, sometimes I am grateful for that. When she is happy and smiling and in a goofy mood I see the little girl that she could be if it wasn’t for the mental illness that sometimes makes life so difficult for her. It makes me cry. But I have to remind myself that no matter how much I grieve for what she will never know or understand, I must be grateful for the fact that she is here and that I have the privilege of being her mommy.

Work has been a trip too, more on that later though. And I have much to say about my son, the young man who didn’t ask for a special needs sibling but handles it well anyway.  For now, I just wanted to say I’ve missed writing and to let you know that my little girl keeps keeping on!

On The Battlefield

I have wrestled with whether or not I should touch on this topic but, if I can’t be honest in this blog, then what’s the point? A few weeks ago I attended a meeting. It was a place I thought was safe and one where I could express my feelings without worrying about being judged. As the conversation took form (we normally have a guest speaker to discuss a particular topic) I asked a question. The discussion began to settle on the need to have certain services in place to assist children in foster care and adoption so the transition to a forever family is a smooth one. The thought was that this would limit the number of disruptions where children and up back in foster care.

While everyone seemed to agree this was an excellent idea, I wanted to know how we made sure this actually happened. How is an adoptive parent or perspective adoptive parent, going to set up all of the necessary therapies, sessions, appointments, etc. when there is so much interference. I expressed my concern and quite frankly, bitterness, at the number of times you are given a number to call for assistance only to find out they can’t help, won’t help, don’t know how to help, have no idea what to do to help. Several other parents expressed the same frustration and despair.  I told the group that while I knew I would have to deal with and battle the behaviors my special needs child exhibits and the non compliance when she won’t do what I ask, I didn’t know I would have to battle adults to get them to do what they are supposed to do.

While it was clear I and other parents were frustrated, we weren’t loud, we didn’t yell, we didn’t speak out of turn, any of that.  But a few days later one of the organizers of the support group said she got a call specifically related to me. The person wanted to know if I was OK. They said I was obviously upset and  they wondered how that anger and resentment might be trickling over into my parenting of my daughter.
...Wow. Let me say first that as I stated earlier I wasn’t the only person to express frustration at the system. But I was the only one this “person” felt compelled to inquire about. I have a few theories about how that came to be. One I won’t discuss here but the other I will. I haven’t made many friends over the past few years as I’ve battled the system to do right by my daughter. When you adopt in my county, they are so eager to congratulate you and to tell you how they will be there to help after the adoption if you need it. In my experience, and that of many I have spoken to, that statement is one of the biggest lies in foster care and adoption.  Since adopting my daughter I have requested assistance on many levels from financial to emotional – each time my requests have been thwarted. It takes no less than 5-6 phone calls to get a person on the phone, in most cases that person won’t be able to answer your question. They then direct you to someone who should be able to help. You call that person, 8 phone calls later you finally get them on the phone or they finally get around to returning your call – only to tell you that they can’t assist you either and don’t know why the last person gave you their number. Then they tell you who they think can help.... you get the picture.

My unwillingness to accept such mediocre treatment often makes me a target. They all just want me to shut up and go away.  But no matter how angry I get at the system, anyone with half a brain would know that has nothing to do with how I feel about my daughter. She can’t control the incompetence of the system anymore than I can. So for every parent fighting for the rights of their children, I salute you and encourage you to keep fighting, even when some might try to use intimidation and false accusation to get you to stop. Know that you aren’t fighting alone and that no matter how tired you may feel there is at least one other soldier on the battlefield with you – I won’t stop if you won’t.

Finding Fulfillment

So there has been a lot going on. Not even sure where to begin. I suppose I can say I am a bit anxious, restless - a little lost even.  Things with my daughter haven’t improved much. In fact, in some areas she is regressing. She’s acting more like a baby, going back to asking for things or expressing herself in one word instead of giving me a full sentence.  As things with her continue to progress (or regress) and as I work with my son to make sure he keeps his grades up and turns into the God-fearing young man we would like him to be, I find myself questioning my priorities. Right now I work full time and I have to say lately, I haven’t been enjoying it.

As I navigate the winding roads of childhood mental illness, crazy insurance companies and a broken post-adoption child welfare system, I am coming to realize that my passion lies in working with families like me who need assistance and don’t know where to turn. I spend countless hours on the phone, the Internet, at conferences, you name it, taking care of my daughter’s needs and learning all I can. You can spend hours on the phone arguing with the insurance company, still more hours making appointments, recording her moods and actions, trying to decipher what homework she has if any, returning books she started reading in class and then forgot to put back, figuring out where she hid the wrappers from the fruit snacks she ate without permission, and on and on. In the meantime, I work to make sure my son’s needs are met, that my husband gets attention, that the house is clean, dishes put away, lunches fixed, dinner ready and… you get the picture.

Now by no means do I think I am special, many women are facing the same scenarios I have just described but I have to say, looking at my list, where in the world do I fit in 8 hours (or more) of work? Things at my office are changing, and frankly I don’t like some of what I am seeing. My desire to get up and come every day is pretty non-existent. I wonder if it’s God’s way of kicking me in the butt, telling me to really begin working on my passion, on what really fulfills me. I believe that right now, He is primarily calling me to be a wife and mother but I also believe it is my purpose to work with families of special needs children and share what I have learned and help them use the tools I’ve gained in this battle and believe me, it IS a battle.

It’s a shame that the system forces you to fight for what your child has a right to in the first place. Often I think many hope if they make it too difficult, you’ll give up and just say “forget it.” Believe me, I have had those days, those moments. But if I quit fighting for what they both deserve, then I feel like I’ve quit on them, and I just can’t do that. My tenacity doesn’t always make me popular - some have even made comments that were inappropriate or just plain untrue. But in the end, when I have just another small victory for my son or daughter, or when someone got my name from a friend and I was able to help them make things better for their children, it fills me with more joy than my 8 to 5 ever could.

When Being Mommy Doesn't Make Me Feel Warm and Fuzzy

When my husband and I decided to try having children, I knew that more than anything, I wanted to be a mother.  I knew that pregnancy wouldn’t come easy and I didn’t want to spend time on fertility treatments. While that path is perfectly OK for many women, I was afraid that trying to have a baby would consume me. I didn’t want to lose sight of my goal – to be a mom. Since we had never been opposed to adoption, we decided to begin the process. We became foster parents with the intent to adopt – that was more than 13 years ago.

Now, with a special needs daughter and a son in the depths of the middle school/teenage blues, there are nights when I wonder if I will ever get this parenting thing right. The feeling has come with some guilt, but I might as well admit it – there are times being a mom isn’t as much fun as I had hoped it would be. There are moments when my babies get on my nerves, above my nerves, around my nerves, on top of my nerves…  Teenagers think they know everything and talking to my son is sometimes like talking to a brick wall. Or, you ask a question and he mumbles under his breath or shakes his head and then wonders why I keep repeating the question.

I used to think it was a sign of weakness to admit that I need a break every now and then or that I just feel like I am at my wits end. I worry that my son isn’t getting enough attention with the time my daughter often requires. And I wonder if I am doing enough to get my daughter what she needs. Lately doctors feel she seems to be regressing, in spite of all of the interventions.

As I continue this journey called parenthood and interact with co-workers and friends on the same journey, I am learning that I am not alone when I feel like I just want the house to myself and I want everyone else who lives there (including the dog) to take a long time getting home so I can just bask in the peace and quiet. I am not crazy when I get excited about a day or two of respite when I go on vacation or a night out without my kids. It doesn’t make me a bad mother to admit that I need a break from my daughter, or to say that at times her behavior is still tough for me to take even though I know she has a disability. I have learned and am still learning to cut myself a break – that being a mom is wonderful even though it doesn’t always FEEL wonderful.

I hope all moms will cut themselves a little slack and remember that we have feelings too and there are times when those feelings get hurt, bruised, battered and broken. It doesn’t mean we love our kids any less, it just makes us human.

Day 3-6

May 3 – 5

So the last time I posted, things were somewhat quiet. How I wish that was still the case. The past few days have been rough. It started OK, she had a middle school dance that she attended with her dad. I am proud of my husband. After what happened a few weeks ago I wouldn’t be upset if he didn’t want to take her to appointments. When a dad is restraining a girl it can look a whole more menacing to people who may mean well when they alert authorities but they don’t know what is really going on.

She had a really good time at the dance and things went well. That was the highlight of the weekend. The rest was pretty rough. The next day I had a breakfast at church to attend. She went with me. It was hard to get her to stay put and do as I asked. Since I was on the committee organizing the breakfast, it was hard to try and keep up with her and do my part. That afternoon we went shopping. She has had a growth spurt and needed a few new dresses for church and new shoes.  Having her in a store is like shopping with a toddler that is almost 5 feet tall. It can wear you out. She is touching everything she sees, she wonders off, she doesn’t pay attention to where she is going, and on and on. We made it out without too many incidents, but I was exhausted.

By Sunday she was moody and cranky. It was hard to get her to cooperate to get dressed for church and as I have said before, brushing her teeth is like preparing for battle. She was so moody that I wasn’t quite sure we would make it to church. I tried talking to her, tried to discover the source of her mood, and then remembered – she doesn’t understand it herself and certainly wouldn’t be able to explain it to me.

Part way through the service she seemed to loosen up and I was relieved. By Monday morning though, the calm before the storm was done. When we got ready to leave for school I realized her shoes were still with my sister who had helped her get ready for me before her after school dance. Because my daughter is notorious for misplacing shoes, I always have a back up pair. But she refused to put them on. She wouldn’t sit down and put them on correctly. Instead, she went to her room and retrieved a pair that had to be a size-and-a-half too small. I tried helping her put the new shoes on, she fought to get away. Finally she was yelling and screaming and really saying things that were WAY disrespectful. I felt my calm and patience begin to fray. I called for reinforcements and my mom came to get her. She didn’t go to school Monday, she was just WAY too emotional for that. I was tired, at my wits end and I felt like a terrible person.

Why wasn’t I able to get the situation under control? I hated having to bother my mother and have her leave her house to come to mine so early in the morning but my husband had already left for work, I needed to get my son to school and most of all, I needed help.  Maybe I should have let her wear the shoes she had on at first even though they didn’t fit.  Maybe I should have not allowed her words and actions to get me off my game. But every now and then, you have to know when to just say I need help. Her mood wasn’t much better at therapy last night either, they are afraid she is regressing some and may not ever move much past the toddler stage in terms of social and emotional development (sigh). What in the world am I going to do?

Day 2

Day 2

May 2, 2013 –

Last night wasn’t too bad.  And this morning was laced with only a momentary complication or two.  So since all seems well at the moment I wanted to use this entry to just reflect. Tonight is our first visit to the doctor at the university since the incident with the police. I will be taking her tonight and I have to say I am a bit apprehensive. I don’t know quite what to expect.

There are times when my daughter can be so loving and cooperative then there are times… I think you get the picture. Sometimes I wish there was a way for me to see what is going on inside her brain, inside her body in those times when cooperation seems like it is beyond her. 

I try to remind myself in those moments, that whatever she is struggling with internally is beyond my comprehension and my job is simply to love and protect her.  But I would be lying if I said that isn’t sometimes difficult. While I know that there are many things she struggles with, I can’t allow her to believe that her actions don’t have consequences. That is a tough balance. When we punish her for taking things she shouldn’t, sneaking food or other things she was told she couldn’t have, or whatever else she has done, we run the risk of setting of an episode. I can’t allow that worry however, to stop me from being her mom in every way, and that means teaching her right from wrong, even when she has trouble listening and practicing what we’ve taught her.

Sometimes when I mention that she has lost a privilege (or the time she didn’t get to go to the school dance because she took $20 from my purse), people feel the need to remind me that she is after all, a special needs child. Um – duh.  While we all know that is true, and I know that socially and emotionally she is much younger than her 11 years, her disability can’t be the excuse for everything she does. Even a four-year-old understands the word “no.”

Hopefully I will one day be able to balance an understanding of when she honestly can’t help her behavior and when she is just choosing not to cooperate. It’s tough, but I am after all, her mother and I love her to pieces - so, I’ll keep working at it.

Day 1

May 1, 2013

I guess I have finally surrendered, although time will tell if that’s actually true. Many have told me that I have the makings of a great book. I don’t know about that. But I do know that if I don’t find a way to really address some of what I feel it may lead to not only my own detriment but hers as well.  
I am the mother of a mentally-ill child. As I type this she is currently 11. Lately her outbursts and mood swings have become much more difficult to manage and harder to cope with.  Recently something we had feared for some time finally happened - the police were called as my husband tried to keep her from running into the street.  All they saw was a man holding on to a child who obviously wanted to get away. This happened on the campus of the local university where she had an appt. with one of the specialist in the Dept. of Psychiatry. They blocked my husband’s car in, three police cars sirens blazing. Thank God the doctor was there to describe her outburst and fit of non-compliance. But it doesn’t take away the humiliation my husband had to endure, or the fact that some stranger with no idea of what was really going on, was allowed to make an anonymous phone call with wrong information and then leave the mess for my husband to try and explain.
I think the incident frightened her a bit and we had a little reprieve from her outbursts, but it didn’t last long.

By the weekend she was back to banging on car doors, yelling at the top of her lungs, threatening to hit us, running from us, refusing to comply with simply requests and the list goes on.
This past Sunday she went ballistic at the church. Often she leaves her fits of rage for home and we are left feeling as though many might think we are making this all up. But for whatever reason this past Sunday, she just could not keep it together. She yelled at my mother, blamed me for whatever she was feeling, and refused to get cleaned up (she had a wetting accident, more on that later).
It often makes leaving for school and work in the morning very difficult . This morning for example, she didn’t want me to help her brush her teeth. She clamped down on the toothbrush, refused to hold still, tried to get away.  Since she doesn’t brush well on her own and currently has braces (she has an intense overbite from sucking her lip), if I don’t help her, the teeth will decay. The dentist says she already has the early stages of it. If we can get her to brush better it won’t go any further, but of course, the important word in that sentence is IF. 

I am hoping that this journal won’t become just simply a place for me to vent (although I plan to do plenty of that), but I hope it will help me gain perspective and give me the chance to remember all the fun my daughter and I can sometimes have together. I hope it will remind me that no matter how tough the road sometimes seems she is still one of the most important people in my life and without her, things just wouldn’t seem right. 
Well, wish me luck.