Finding Fulfillment

So there has been a lot going on. Not even sure where to begin. I suppose I can say I am a bit anxious, restless - a little lost even.  Things with my daughter haven’t improved much. In fact, in some areas she is regressing. She’s acting more like a baby, going back to asking for things or expressing herself in one word instead of giving me a full sentence.  As things with her continue to progress (or regress) and as I work with my son to make sure he keeps his grades up and turns into the God-fearing young man we would like him to be, I find myself questioning my priorities. Right now I work full time and I have to say lately, I haven’t been enjoying it.

As I navigate the winding roads of childhood mental illness, crazy insurance companies and a broken post-adoption child welfare system, I am coming to realize that my passion lies in working with families like me who need assistance and don’t know where to turn. I spend countless hours on the phone, the Internet, at conferences, you name it, taking care of my daughter’s needs and learning all I can. You can spend hours on the phone arguing with the insurance company, still more hours making appointments, recording her moods and actions, trying to decipher what homework she has if any, returning books she started reading in class and then forgot to put back, figuring out where she hid the wrappers from the fruit snacks she ate without permission, and on and on. In the meantime, I work to make sure my son’s needs are met, that my husband gets attention, that the house is clean, dishes put away, lunches fixed, dinner ready and… you get the picture.

Now by no means do I think I am special, many women are facing the same scenarios I have just described but I have to say, looking at my list, where in the world do I fit in 8 hours (or more) of work? Things at my office are changing, and frankly I don’t like some of what I am seeing. My desire to get up and come every day is pretty non-existent. I wonder if it’s God’s way of kicking me in the butt, telling me to really begin working on my passion, on what really fulfills me. I believe that right now, He is primarily calling me to be a wife and mother but I also believe it is my purpose to work with families of special needs children and share what I have learned and help them use the tools I’ve gained in this battle and believe me, it IS a battle.

It’s a shame that the system forces you to fight for what your child has a right to in the first place. Often I think many hope if they make it too difficult, you’ll give up and just say “forget it.” Believe me, I have had those days, those moments. But if I quit fighting for what they both deserve, then I feel like I’ve quit on them, and I just can’t do that. My tenacity doesn’t always make me popular - some have even made comments that were inappropriate or just plain untrue. But in the end, when I have just another small victory for my son or daughter, or when someone got my name from a friend and I was able to help them make things better for their children, it fills me with more joy than my 8 to 5 ever could.