I have wrestled with whether or not I should touch on this
topic but, if I can’t be honest in this blog, then what’s the point? A few
weeks ago I attended a meeting. It was a place I thought was safe and one where
I could express my feelings without worrying about being judged. As the
conversation took form (we normally have a guest speaker to discuss a
particular topic) I asked a question. The discussion began to settle on the
need to have certain services in place to assist children in foster care and adoption
so the transition to a forever family is a smooth one. The thought was that
this would limit the number of disruptions where children and up back in foster
care.
While everyone seemed to agree this was an excellent idea, I
wanted to know how we made sure this actually happened. How is an adoptive parent
or perspective adoptive parent, going to set up all of the necessary therapies,
sessions, appointments, etc. when there is so much interference. I expressed my
concern and quite frankly, bitterness, at the number of times you are given a
number to call for assistance only to find out they can’t help, won’t help,
don’t know how to help, have no idea what to do to help. Several other parents
expressed the same frustration and despair.
I told the group that while I knew I would have to deal with and battle
the behaviors my special needs child exhibits and the non compliance when she
won’t do what I ask, I didn’t know I would have to battle adults to get them to
do what they are supposed to do.While it was clear I and other parents were frustrated, we weren’t loud, we didn’t yell, we didn’t speak out of turn, any of that. But a few days later one of the organizers of the support group said she got a call specifically related to me. The person wanted to know if I was OK. They said I was obviously upset and they wondered how that anger and resentment might be trickling over into my parenting of my daughter.
...Wow. Let me say first that as I stated earlier I wasn’t the only person to express frustration at the system. But I was the only one this “person” felt compelled to inquire about. I have a few theories about how that came to be. One I won’t discuss here but the other I will. I haven’t made many friends over the past few years as I’ve battled the system to do right by my daughter. When you adopt in my county, they are so eager to congratulate you and to tell you how they will be there to help after the adoption if you need it. In my experience, and that of many I have spoken to, that statement is one of the biggest lies in foster care and adoption. Since adopting my daughter I have requested assistance on many levels from financial to emotional – each time my requests have been thwarted. It takes no less than 5-6 phone calls to get a person on the phone, in most cases that person won’t be able to answer your question. They then direct you to someone who should be able to help. You call that person, 8 phone calls later you finally get them on the phone or they finally get around to returning your call – only to tell you that they can’t assist you either and don’t know why the last person gave you their number. Then they tell you who they think can help.... you get the picture.
My unwillingness to accept such mediocre treatment often
makes me a target. They all just want me to shut up and go away. But no matter how angry I get at the system,
anyone with half a brain would know that has nothing to do with how I feel
about my daughter. She can’t control the incompetence of the system anymore
than I can. So for every parent fighting for the rights of their children, I
salute you and encourage you to keep fighting, even when some might try to use
intimidation and false accusation to get you to stop. Know that you aren’t
fighting alone and that no matter how tired you may feel there is at least one
other soldier on the battlefield with you – I won’t stop if you won’t.
