Biology is just a science term

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It's the middle of the month, and before  I look up and the month is over, I felt I needed to write my next post. It is National Adoption Month and there is no way I could let it pass without comment.

I won't lie to you, the road to  adoption can be full of highs and lows. It's full of red tape, legal fees, and sometimes heartbreak. But having a biological child isn't always a cakewalk either.

I know most of you realize that my philosophy on adoption is a little different than some. My intention was always to adopt - it was our first choice to start a family. If I had a biological child fine and if not I was OK with that too.

I am very open about my adoption journey and there isn't much that I'm not willing to share, not because I think I'm special, but because sometimes being open about it can help those who are trying to decide if it's a road they too would like to travel.

And I have to say that through all of the highs and lows, the heartbreak and disappointment, I would not trade the experience for anything in the world.

Think about it, most of the things we all cherish in life are the ones we had to fight for. I am a warrior mom because I know what it took to have the honor of my babies calling me mommy. I know the work it took to become their mom and how hard many women are still fighting for the privilege of becoming a mother.

So this month I just want to celebrate all of the families created through the miracle of adoption - to encourage those who are somewhere on the journey but feeling weary, and to remember the babies of all ages who are still waiting for a forever home. Adoption has taught me that Biology is just a science term - it doesn't define love or family.  I didn't give birth to my miracles, and we have no biological ties, but they are still miracles nonetheless.

To all of you who have also walked this journey, I honor you. I think I speak for all of us when I say, it's the best decision we've ever made. 

Beautifully and Wonderfully Made

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So I've had another long moment without blogging. I know, I know, I have got to do better.  There have been a few things in the news I am ready to weigh in on. What I want to talk about today has been something that really sent me through an entire flood of emotions - sadness, anger, bewilderment, you name it.

There have been two cases recently of children in my area murdered at the hands of their own parents. First, a 9-week old baby beaten to death by his father while his mother helped cover it up. In the other case, an 11-year-old girl was severely abused, locked in a bathroom for days, and authorities believe she was murdered by her mother, her body locked in a freezer that she asked a relative to keep for her (the relative had no idea what was inside).

Stories like these really break my heart and remind me of just how thankful we should all be for the foster care and adoption system. Do you know why the poor little girl was locked for days in the bathroom and, according to her siblings, severely beaten if she tried to escape? It was because she often had trouble making it to the bathroom and had an accident here or there. Sound familiar? If not for the system, that could have been my baby. At 14, anyone who reads my blog knows she is still struggling with potty training. Having to carry a bag with extra clothes, underwear, wipes, and hygiene products everywhere I go can sometimes be a bit daunting. And I have to leave a change of clothes at the school, at after care, in the car, at the church, and at my parents’ house. But as overwhelming as I sometimes feel, I ASKED for this job. And so did this little girl’s mom.  Maybe she didn’t intend to get pregnant but when her daughter was born, I am sure there were dozens of couples (and even single folks) who would have been willing to adopt her. Once you take that child home and commit to being a parent, there is no excuse for her actions. And my God, what in the world could a 9-week old have done that would warrant beating him to death?

Although these two poor children fell through the cracks and the system was unable to get to them in time, there are hundreds more like them that are removed from their homes before they meet such a tragic end. Now, I am not naïve, I know that there are those who become foster parents for all the wrong reasons, and no system is perfect. But I just wanted to say a big THANK YOU for all of those who have readily agreed to love and care for children whose parents just couldn’t or wouldn’t.

And even if foster care isn’t for you, I am sure there is a child at your church, in your family, or in the family of a friend, that you can reach out to and offer a little help, guidance, love, or support. 

I am proud to be an adoptive mom and to know that my baby girl will NEVER have to suffer shame or feel inadequate because of something she can’t control. Even though she AND her brother can test my patience, I wouldn’t change one hair on their head. They are beautifully and wonderfully made, and they are mine.

Can You Please.... READ THE IEP!

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I think I am going to go into the T-shirt business - it’s such a great way to express myself and trust me, I need to express myself. The first one I am going to have made will go something like this: On the back the shirt will say: “I’ve just gotta know…” And on the front will be: “Before you called me… did you read her IEP?”

I think I will wear it every time I have to go to J’s school to go over, for the millionth time, the things they should be following as it’s stated in her IEP.

My baby has already started school and it’s been, um let’s call it challenging. I’ve talked to several parents and I am not the only mom having a bit of trouble.  Let me go down a quick list. The first day of school J didn’t use the bathroom at all. She’s in a new part of the school and wasn’t sure where to find the restroom.  Self-advocating is a skill she needs to work on (it’s in her IEP) and she should be sent to the nurse every 2 hours (that’s in the IEP too) so knowing where the bathrooms are should not have been an issue.

Then I got a call about her pants, in her IEP (see a theme forming here??) she is excused from the typical uniform pants. But they had a problem with the material the pants were made of.  They called her down to the office and scared the daylights out of her. She thought she was in trouble. What can she do about the pants I bought for her?

I had to send my mother to the school to find out about the restroom, meanwhile, I had to visit five or six stores to try and find a material that they liked better.

While my mom was at the school, an interesting thing happened. While the administrator talked with my mother, (who came up there about the bathroom issues) she asked about J’s hair.  When she is stressed or restless, she pulls at her hair so she has been given permission to wear a scarf to school. The administrator asked, and my mother indicated that she’s still tugging at it most days. The woman then asked my mother the question that really irks me… “Is there anything different or going on at home?”

… Are you for real?  Funny you can think to ask about her hair, but for some reason we can’t remember the restroom, self-advocacy assistance, or uniform provisions in the same IEP. And asking me if there is something going on at home?  Read the IEP! She has multiple diagnoses. She can get stressed out if I ask her to brush her teeth! And if we want to talk about stress, calling her down to the office on the first day about her pants didn’t build self-confidence. She was so proud of her outfit. She tried it on the night before and everything. And I might add, the pants were made of the same material she wore all through middle school.

For most of you, school starts this week – a word of advice. Take my experience as a reminder that no matter how long your child has been at a school and no matter how much information is in the IEP, get ready to advocate for your child and remind the school of its obligation. Remember, the IEP isn’t a suggestion; it is the law. You must comply with what is in the document, period.

And for anyone working with ESE students and you want to call home to speak with mom or dad, don’t ask parents if there is something going on at home.  Don’t get me wrong if there is an odd change in behavior I can perhaps understand the question, but really? She’s been pulling out her hair since she was in elementary school, this isn’t new. And… it’s in the IEP! I’ve learned that many don’t read it and they should.

Be sure to have a copy of the IEP handy, and be prepared to refer to it often. Don’t be afraid to repeat yourself, because trust me, you are going to have to.

And if you want a T-shirt, let me know. I’ll share the design when it’s done.