Seriously, You're Upset About A Cheerios Ad?

So tonight I had planned to do a post on bullying as it seems to be a major thread in the fabric of our lives these days. But since I don't think that issue is going anywhere anytime soon, it can keep. Tonight I want to talk about a story I read today that really blew my mind.

Gracie from the Cheerios Ad

Do you remember the Cheerios commercial a few months back where a bi-racial little girl (Gracie)  is talking to her mom, who is white, about her dad's claims that Cheerios is good for your heart? While her mom reads the information on the box, Gracie takes it all in and then takes the cereal and uses it to make a heart on her dad's (who is black) chest. Cute right? Well apparently not everyone thought so and got downright angry that General Mills, makers of Cheerios, was featuring a bi-racial family - for real though?

Some of the comments were so mean-spirited that the company had to disable the comments section of the YouTube site where people could view the commercial.  Some compared it to racial genocide and called the creators Nazis ... wow.

Today General Mills announced that the family is back, taking center stage during the Super Bowl. This time daddy is using Cheerios to explain to Gracie that there will be a new addition to the family. The ad is super cute and so is the young actress playing Gracie. But more than just being cute, the fact that General Mills did not allow bigotry to stop them from using a multi-racial family again gives them great marks in my book

While I am not totally surprised by the level of ignorance we are still subjected to in 2014, it saddens me that you would let a commercial about a family and cereal send you over the edge. According to MSNBC, there were 2.5 million mixed-race couples in the 1990s - up from 650,000 twenty years before. Do you know what that means? It means almost all of us knows somebody married to or dating someone of a different race.

As sad as it may be, an uproar like this does serve a purpose. It serves to remind us that even in a time where we have seen a Black president, there are still people who live, eat, sleep, drink, and breathe racism. That is something important for us all to remember. Our kids may think that because they have friends of all different races or even date kids of other races, that it means all is well -  that they don't need to worry about race as a barrier. But sadly we do need to worry. They don't show up on your doorstep in white sheets burning crosses anymore (or not as often anyway) -  they have learned to be more subtle about it. But trust me, they still scheme to keep minorities from success. They still read resumes and try to determine from the name who the Black candidates are to weed them out. They still call a White woman with ambition a go-getter and the Black woman with the same drive aggressive. And every now and then, they get worked over something simple, like this commercial, and their true feelings come bubbling to the surface.

Well, I plan to let my true feelings bubble to the surface too. And I plan to express them. I am going out and buy a few extra boxes of Cheerios this weekend.

Take a look at the commercial and check your own beliefs on race. After you see how adorable this 30-second spot is, I hope it reminds you that no matter skin color, family is a beautiful thing.

Check out the Super Bowl Cheerios Ad

Once You Decide to Parent, You Have to be All In

Having a special needs child can be tough. Moms worry about their children special needs or not. But when you are the mom of a child like mine, sometimes people tend to think that you worry too much, or you over compensate, or that they can do more than you give them credit for. I've learned that I can't worry about what people think. I have to stand on what I know is best for both of my children regardless of what others may say.

photo:allheart.com

Recently one of my daughter's doctors (one she sees ALL the time) retired. Mental health can be subjective and to that end, I didn't want to just pick a new doctor from a list with no recommendations. So I asked around and got a few referrals. I called some and settled on one. There were some signs that perhaps things wouldn't be to my liking (trying to get billing straight was a trip) but I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt. I took J to the appointment and it was AWFUL. She didn't review any of her information before the visit, she didn't really introduce herself, she asked me to tell her how her former physician came up with a particular diagnosis as though she disagreed, (um I ain't the professional, why are you asking me?), she interacted very little with J, and at one point, checked a message on her cell phone in the middle of the session. I was too through.

So now what? Do I stay with this person and see if it gets better? Do I start this process over again? Do I drag my baby all over town from doctor to doctor until I find one that works? Will people think I am too judgmental?  And then, it hit me. She is MINE, and if I am not willing to make sure she gets the proper care who will? So I started my search again and this time, I went to the first visit alone to get a feel for the doctor's philosophy, way of work, his style, - basically, I interviewed him. I asked if this was permitted before I made the appointment (because if it wasn't I was going to pass), they told me yes. When I arrived he seemed a bit surprised but I stressed my need to have a comfort level with a doctor that will play a big role in my daughter's life.

I've learned that my approach isn't one that many doctors have seen and that some may not appreciate.I say it should be a regular practice. People get second opinions all of the time for cancer diagnoses, surgery recommendations, you name it. Why not do the same with mental health? Am I looking for someone to always agree with me? No. But I am looking for someone that makes me feel as though they have my daughter's interests at heart, who won't dismiss my concerns and for God's sake, who won't CHECK THEIR CELL PHONE IN THE MIDDLE OF A VISIT! I say whether you have a special needs child or not, follow your instincts. If you don't like your child's doctor, look for another. If you don't think they are really getting what they need, make some noise.

I chose to be a parent and whether you adopted, got pregnant unexpectedly, tried to get pregnant, whatever, parenthood is a choice and once you make it, you have to give it all you got - even if it means ruffling a few feathers. For my kids, it's the least I can do.

Dental Work Leads to A Stressful Week

This has been a rough week. So much so that physically I have been a bit off my game. So here is the short version. In November, we took my baby girl to the doctor for a routine appointment. She had a cavity and needed to get a filling. Sounds easy enough right? Nope, not with a child with a high level of anxiety. The visit didn't go well and she absolutely freaked in the office. They brought her back up front to my husband and said we would have to try and think of an alternative.

photo credit: arcadia dental group 

They offered using one of the security blankets that are designed to help them feel snug and restrains them a bit.  That might work with a younger child but at almost 5 feet 5 inches tall and 120 pounds, it isn't going to work for her. So, that meant sedation; and $1,100 later she has her filling. You read that line right $1,100. Most of that went to the anesthesiologist. They put a few sealants on teeth while we were at it, and an hour later, they sent my slightly loopy baby girl home with mommy.

As much as I hated paying the money, I was more concerned about whether or not we would get her to cooperate. I felt so bad for her. If we weren't able to get it done, I was afraid we would never get there, and she may never agree to visit the dentist again. The night before I had to make an hour by hour chart for the big day. There were dietary restrictions of course, and sending her to school with something like that would have been a huge mistake. So it also meant explaining why she wasn't going to school. The schedule worked well. She asked a zillion questions, but that's my girl! When I picked her up from my mom she was a nervous wreck. There was a bit of a melt down and she began to cry and tell me she did not want to go. Eventually though, we worked through it and she did great!

I was almost as nervous as she was. I could barely eat for the 48 hours before the procedure. There were so many things to consider, what if she refuses to go? What if the schedule I designed for her to look at isn't enough to make her comfortable? What if she sneaks and eats with she isn't supposed to have any more solids? What if she freaks when they take her back to put her to sleep.... and on and on.

In the end, it all worked out. I am hoping to learn how to be prepared for the worst without expecting it. I was so sure something would go wrong that I made myself sick in the process. It's a learning curve and soon, when the next crisis for her arises, I will probably do this all over again. But hey, I am her mommy and I love her to pieces. If it means missing a few meals worrying about her, I can afford it. I need to lose a good 20 pounds anyway.

A Family Destroyed for Nothing

When I was younger, I would hear my parents talk about the good old days, when you could sleep with the windows open and leave your door unlocked. They talked about how neighbors looked out for each other’s children and how you could send your son or daughter to the corner store to get a loaf of bread or some sugar without any worries for their safety.

photo from USA TODAY

And as I kid, even though we didn't leave doors unlocked or windows open, we certainly didn't worry that we might be shot to death in the mall because someone is upset about losing a job or at the movies because we sent a text message in a movie theater. Sounds strange that I would even think of something like that right? It may sound odd, but a few nights ago a retired Tampa police officer killed a man in the movie theater over bad cell phone etiquette. He was apparently enraged because the man was sending a text message during the movie previews. Yes, a retired POLICE OFFICER. 

They say during the argument the victim, a 30-something- year-old man with a wife and daughter, threw popcorn at the retired cop. Was it wrong for him to do so, sure – but he didn’t deserve to die because of it. Regardless of your views on gun control, you have to admit, events over the past several months have shown that there are way too many people with trigger happy fingers walking around with guns. I mean, who brings a gun to the movies in the first place? There are too many guns, too much violence, and too many people willing to kill someone just because they get upset.

Nowadays a difference of opinion over trivial matters could cost you your life. The news is full of stories about people killing over what amounts to well, stupid stuff!  A man on I-75, (in Tampa) was killed a few months ago because a driver felt he cut him off in traffic and shot him. Last year, a man in New York killed his grandmother because they couldn't agree on what to watch on TV! Really!?

It’s hard to believe that a disagreement over something as silly as proper cell phone manners is the reason a woman is without her husband tonight and a little girl (she’s only about 3) is without her dad. And that’s what it’s really all about isn't it? A family destroyed for nothing.  

Because of Jameis Winston, My Son and I Will Have a Serious Talk

I don't know if Jameis Winston is guilty of rape or not. I know there was an investigation and I know that no charges will be filed. Does that mean he is innocent? I can't say - jails are full of those who shouldn't be there and the streets are full of folks who got off on a technicality that should be locked up.  If he is guilty, for sure, he should be punished. Whether the civil suit planned has any merit is for the legal system to decide.

photo from seminoles.com 

But aside from guilt or innocence, there is much parents can learn from this scandal. As the mother of a young man interested in sports and hoping to one day get a scholarship to college for basketball, this incident has taught me that I MUST have a very serious conversation with my son as he gets older - sex is a really big deal.I know that doesn't sound very profound, but it is isn't just a big deal for the reasons our parents always talked to us about; but because like it or not, college phenoms like Jameis Winston face many of the same challenges professional athletes face. Every move is scrutinized - everything you do, everything you say. A parent of an Auburn player went so far in a tweet as to pick at the way Winston talks (she later had to apologize for it).

While people were counseling Jameis on what school to attend and celebrating when he signed with FSU, someone should have taken the young man aside and talked to him about the heavy weight that comes with this kind of talent. Yes, FSU is giving this young man a college education in exchange for his service on the football team. But make no mistake, schools are making big bank off of these student athletes. In return, I believe they owe them much more than just a college education, they owe them a few life lessons as well.

I've read stories about workshops and classes many teams in the NBA and NFL offer to rookies about groupies and people who hang around just to see how much money they can relieve players off. They try to warn them about their behavior and even warn against casual sex. You have a one-night stand and think that's that. But sometimes that one night leads to many more nights of headaches, explanations, and clouds of suspicion.I believe college sports programs should offer some of the same sort of classes and workshops. No one preps these kids for how to talk with the media, how to conduct themselves in public (because somebody is always watching), how to develop a small, close circle of people you can really trust.

My son is still young but it's important to start the conversation sooner rather than later. I won't forget the articles and commentary I've read on Jameis Winston. Even though he wasn't charged, many will always believe he is guilty. He had sex with her so it must have been rape right? Some will always say yes. Years from now, if he makes it to the NFL, there will still be that one reporter who will always reference the scandal during his days at FSU. I hope he has learned the lesson that I plan to teach my son, that sex is never casual and just saying you didn't do it won't always be enough. Focus on school, on making it in life as a not just a basketball player, but a great man with intellect, infinite talent, and great instincts. Sex can wait. Right about now, I bet Jameis wishes he had waited.

Sometimes People Just Don't Know What To Say

Tell me if you've ever heard people say something like the following:

photo from blogspot.com

"She's cute for a big girl,"or "She's a pretty dark-skinned girl." Maybe you've had people ask real dumb questions like the one my husband got once when he waited tables in college. A co-worker asked, "Hey man, why are black people such bad tippers," - as if he was the official spokesperson for all black folks.

Let's be honest, we have all said some really dumb things, often without thinking about how our off-hand comment or rather odd question will be received by others.

As an adoptive parent I've heard a few myself. Now I know I've mentioned a few of these before but let's review. First, never ask an adoptive parent how much they know about their child's real mom and dad. I know, you don't mean it the way it sounds but trust me, it's not the best way to phrase the question. The better thing to ask is if they know much about their child's biological parents. Fact: I am not my son and daughter's biological mom, but honey, I AM their real mom everyday of the week.

Here's another. Never ask if an adoptive parent wants children of their own. Believe me, the two I have are soooo mine. So much so that people who aren't aware that they are adopted (and some who do know) swear my daughter looks just like her mama and that my son looks just like his granddad. The better question (if you must know, and there's nothing wrong with curiosity), is to ask me if I ever wanted biological children (the answer by the way, um not really).

And while we are at it, here's another. Stop thanking me for my decision to adopt. That is so annoying. A lot of times when I meet people at meetings regarding the state of the foster care and adoption system, or very often when I am fighting for the services and care my children are entitled to, people love to say "thank you for what you are doing for those kids." Would you ever thank a biological parent for what they do for their kids? Fact is, I CHOSE to adopt to grow my family. It wasn't forced on me, and it wasn't a last resort. It was really my first choice. So I am not in it for the praise anymore than a biological parent is. I will fight to the death for my children because that is what a parent is supposed to do.

My mother is really blown by this next one: "It's so nice that you all keep your granddaughter with all of her issues." Really? Adopted children don't come with a guarantee. There is no warranty. Know any biological children that come with a guarantee that they will be healthy and whole at birth? She's mine, warts and all, and she isn't going anywhere. I can't imagine asking a bio mom with a special needs child about whether they will keep their kid. Now, I am realistic; I know that with the issues she faces as she gets older we may have to make some tough decisions. Life for my baby won't be what most of you think of as normal. But no matter what happens she will always be mine.

I know that for most, the slip ups and missteps I've mentioned aren't on purpose. And I don't think it's healthy for me, or any parent in my shoes, to walk around with a chip on their shoulder. But sometimes it's good to bring awareness and help us all be more sensitive to the people around us.

And P.S. - Just say the girl is pretty, leave out the part about their weight or skin color. If you are pretty, you're pretty, no matter if you weigh 120 pounds or 220 pounds, dark or light. Beauty is beauty.

Where Have All the Good Shows Gone?

For the past few nights I've taken a look at the line up on TV - Preachers of L.A., Housewives of (pick a city), Mob Wives, Basketball Wives, The Bachelor, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo... really? I can't think of a single station that I can consistently encourage my children to watch.

Yeah, yeah, I know, too much TV for anyone can fry the brain, I get it. But I still believe there is some value in quality programming for families. Remember the Cosby Show, Seventh Heaven, Full House, Family Matters, Touched by an Angel, heck, even Matlock and Walker Texas Ranger! Shows that didn't use, bixxx, axx, or some other profanity every other line. And while it was television, there were often lessons and topics that could compel parents to have meaningful discussions with their children.

Remember when the Huxtables learned Theo had a learning disability and that was the source of some of his troubles in school? I am sure many children could relate to that and it may have even caused parents to analyze a child that they thought may have just been lazy.

What about Full House? How many times did you see a single dad raising three girls with the help of a relative and a close family friend (both men!). Single dads aren't new, I am sure back then they liked being represented in a positive light on television.

My goodness, even Walker Texas Ranger had inspirational scenes and positive messages.

I think Reality TV is a lazy excuse for entertainment. And many of the shows are full of women slapping each other up-side the head because one neglected to invite the other to some party. And how do you have a show called Housewives, Basketball wives, any kind of wife, when more than half the cast is either divorced or dating the dude not married to him! What kind of sense does that make?

My son, thank God, is a total sports NERD; so he watches basketball, football, baseball (when he is really desperate), my goodness, the little fella will even watch golf or soccer if push comes to shove. But my little girl is an entirely different matter. She is finally beginning to out grow SOME of the cartoons on Disney Jr. and some of the shows on the regular Disney channel are a bit weird. Do you know what she ends up watching more often if she can find it - Full House (one of her current favorites), Cosby Show, or we pop in a DVD. For a while there, she was even in love with... wait for it, Wheel of Fortune. It's sad when your 12-year-old only has a game show to look forward to.

Like it or not, television shapes a lot of our beliefs and views on others. Back in the day, it was refreshing to see a married African American couple with successful careers and a nice house, or a man of faith (Seventh Heaven) dealing with the same struggles the rest of us deal with everyday. I think it is sometimes easy to forget that your clergy, rabbi, priest, pastor, etc. is a human being. And I don't mean stuff like you see on Preachers of L.A. either  - that is truly a HOT MESS.

And a show like Life Goes On helped us remember that even people with disabilities could be totally successful at anything - even acting. If you recall, the main character in that show had Down Syndrome. Remembering that show gives me a bit of hope that my baby can be a great success even with the challenges she faces.

I guess my only choice right now is to buy box sets of old shows so my baby will have something decent to watch and hope that some day, and I hope it's soon, the Reality TV movement takes a long walk off a short cliff.

Back to Work

I decided not to press myself to blog too much over the holidays. There was lots going on, from a 4-day cruise with my daughter, mom, niece, and sisters, to getting my house back in some type of order once I returned from the trip. Of course as always, there was last minute Christmas shopping and wrapping to do.

All-in-all it was pretty uneventful. We had a great time on the cruise and my baby did well. She had a few meltdowns but that was to be expected. I have been handling them better of late. I am learning to just let some things go. If her hair doesn't look quite the way I want it to, if she has food on her clothes, if she doesn't always match the way I want her to,or if her lip is in her mouth, I just gotta deal.

When you have a special needs child you really have to learn what battles to fight and what things to leave for another day. That has been a hard lesson for me because sometimes when I let certain behavior slide I feel like I am letting her get away with doing something wrong. But eventually, I get the chance to address the behavior, if I'm patient. 

So now it's time to get ready to go back to work and school. The break was really needed and every time I feel myself getting depressed about going back, I remember that there so many that didn't get two weeks off. They were lucky if that got two days off! I will get back on a regular schedule with blogging on Monday.
Hopefully I won't get behind, but knowing me... well, let's just say it won't be a surprise if I have to send another "sorry it's been so long" post some time in 2014. For now, Happy New Year and I'll talk to you next week!