Sometimes People Just Don't Know What To Say

Tell me if you've ever heard people say something like the following:

photo from blogspot.com

"She's cute for a big girl,"or "She's a pretty dark-skinned girl." Maybe you've had people ask real dumb questions like the one my husband got once when he waited tables in college. A co-worker asked, "Hey man, why are black people such bad tippers," - as if he was the official spokesperson for all black folks.

Let's be honest, we have all said some really dumb things, often without thinking about how our off-hand comment or rather odd question will be received by others.

As an adoptive parent I've heard a few myself. Now I know I've mentioned a few of these before but let's review. First, never ask an adoptive parent how much they know about their child's real mom and dad. I know, you don't mean it the way it sounds but trust me, it's not the best way to phrase the question. The better thing to ask is if they know much about their child's biological parents. Fact: I am not my son and daughter's biological mom, but honey, I AM their real mom everyday of the week.

Here's another. Never ask if an adoptive parent wants children of their own. Believe me, the two I have are soooo mine. So much so that people who aren't aware that they are adopted (and some who do know) swear my daughter looks just like her mama and that my son looks just like his granddad. The better question (if you must know, and there's nothing wrong with curiosity), is to ask me if I ever wanted biological children (the answer by the way, um not really).

And while we are at it, here's another. Stop thanking me for my decision to adopt. That is so annoying. A lot of times when I meet people at meetings regarding the state of the foster care and adoption system, or very often when I am fighting for the services and care my children are entitled to, people love to say "thank you for what you are doing for those kids." Would you ever thank a biological parent for what they do for their kids? Fact is, I CHOSE to adopt to grow my family. It wasn't forced on me, and it wasn't a last resort. It was really my first choice. So I am not in it for the praise anymore than a biological parent is. I will fight to the death for my children because that is what a parent is supposed to do.

My mother is really blown by this next one: "It's so nice that you all keep your granddaughter with all of her issues." Really? Adopted children don't come with a guarantee. There is no warranty. Know any biological children that come with a guarantee that they will be healthy and whole at birth? She's mine, warts and all, and she isn't going anywhere. I can't imagine asking a bio mom with a special needs child about whether they will keep their kid. Now, I am realistic; I know that with the issues she faces as she gets older we may have to make some tough decisions. Life for my baby won't be what most of you think of as normal. But no matter what happens she will always be mine.

I know that for most, the slip ups and missteps I've mentioned aren't on purpose. And I don't think it's healthy for me, or any parent in my shoes, to walk around with a chip on their shoulder. But sometimes it's good to bring awareness and help us all be more sensitive to the people around us.

And P.S. - Just say the girl is pretty, leave out the part about their weight or skin color. If you are pretty, you're pretty, no matter if you weigh 120 pounds or 220 pounds, dark or light. Beauty is beauty.