When Being Mommy Doesn't Make Me Feel Warm and Fuzzy

When my husband and I decided to try having children, I knew that more than anything, I wanted to be a mother.  I knew that pregnancy wouldn’t come easy and I didn’t want to spend time on fertility treatments. While that path is perfectly OK for many women, I was afraid that trying to have a baby would consume me. I didn’t want to lose sight of my goal – to be a mom. Since we had never been opposed to adoption, we decided to begin the process. We became foster parents with the intent to adopt – that was more than 13 years ago.

Now, with a special needs daughter and a son in the depths of the middle school/teenage blues, there are nights when I wonder if I will ever get this parenting thing right. The feeling has come with some guilt, but I might as well admit it – there are times being a mom isn’t as much fun as I had hoped it would be. There are moments when my babies get on my nerves, above my nerves, around my nerves, on top of my nerves…  Teenagers think they know everything and talking to my son is sometimes like talking to a brick wall. Or, you ask a question and he mumbles under his breath or shakes his head and then wonders why I keep repeating the question.

I used to think it was a sign of weakness to admit that I need a break every now and then or that I just feel like I am at my wits end. I worry that my son isn’t getting enough attention with the time my daughter often requires. And I wonder if I am doing enough to get my daughter what she needs. Lately doctors feel she seems to be regressing, in spite of all of the interventions.

As I continue this journey called parenthood and interact with co-workers and friends on the same journey, I am learning that I am not alone when I feel like I just want the house to myself and I want everyone else who lives there (including the dog) to take a long time getting home so I can just bask in the peace and quiet. I am not crazy when I get excited about a day or two of respite when I go on vacation or a night out without my kids. It doesn’t make me a bad mother to admit that I need a break from my daughter, or to say that at times her behavior is still tough for me to take even though I know she has a disability. I have learned and am still learning to cut myself a break – that being a mom is wonderful even though it doesn’t always FEEL wonderful.

I hope all moms will cut themselves a little slack and remember that we have feelings too and there are times when those feelings get hurt, bruised, battered and broken. It doesn’t mean we love our kids any less, it just makes us human.