Finding Peace in the Kitchen

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I have a hectic life. Anyone who has ever read my blog knows that is true. It doesn't make me special, lots of us have a hectic lives.  But I am learning in all of the chaos, that I am no good to anyone if I don't take care of myself. I know, I know, I've said that before, but I need to keep saying it until I really get it.

Finding ways to make my life less complicated is number one on my list these days.  First, I am working on decluttering. I am amazed at the amount of STUFF we have accumulated over the 12 years we've lived in our home. Things that I haven't used or looked at in weeks, months, maybe even years - I am getting rid of it. When I can walk into the room and everything is in it's place, it makes me calmer, more in control.

And I am trying to remind myself to do the things that bring me calm and balance no matter what. For me, (at least lately) it's been trying new dishes for my family and friends to eat. I love it. I kick everyone out of the kitchen, put on a favorite Tyler Perry video and go to town. This weekend I made chicken, pork chops, pear and apple cobbler, homemade chicken salad, and a corn dip. I shared some of it with my church family.  It is relaxing and it does serve a practical purpose. Working 10 hour days in the summer means I am SO not coming home and cooking from scratch when I get off for the day.

I am also trying to learn to really evaluate the big picture on things. For example, my daughter's ABA therapist gave me a list of things she wanted me to work on with J before we met again. With work, packing for our trip (remember when we go out of town packing for my daughter isn't typical packing), taking the trip, getting up to speed when I returned to work, and on and on - I didn't get to all of it. I was a bit stressed about how I was going to explain why I didn't get it all in. Then I decided, so what happens if I didn't get the chance to get it all done? Will the world end? I just can't do everything all of the time. Once I accepted that and just decided to let her know, hey, with all I have going on we were able to do this, and this but not this, it made me feel a lot better - sorta like a weight had been lifted.

Understanding limits and admitting that there are only so many hours in a day and only so much I can do makes it easier for me to decide that at some point, I have taken care of all that I can and the rest will have to wait until tomorrow, or the next day, or even the next week. It may even mean disappointing someone that wants me to do something for them, but I can't always make the needs of others more important than my own. I can't make their problems mine.

There are times when I still get stressed and as I go through the mental list of all of the things I need to do, I have to remind myself that I can't do 28 hours of work in a 24-hour day. But I am getting better. And along the way, I have found some great recipes I am excited to try. Cobbler anyone?

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

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Thirteen years ago today my youngest child was born. I don’t know a lot about her birth or what happened as she took her first breath and cried for the first time. I met her two years later. She was a shy toddler trying to figure out what was happening in her little world as she came to live with us.

She was cute as a button and we bonded over shoes. I think I have told this story before, but in the beginning she was understandably scared and wondering what was going on. But I took her to a shoe store to get her foot sized for new shoes. She looked at me and said “mommy, new shoes for me?” I said, “yes pumpkin, new shoes for you!” I have been mommy ever since.

I know that most of you know my baby is also my special needs child. And I know that many of you wonder that if I had known about the extent of her issues before the adoption would we have gone through with it. I also know that many people who consider adoption are often terrified that they might end up with a child with more issues than they think they can handle.  Here’s how I feel: I can’t go back in time. I didn’t get all of the information I should have before our adoption, can't undo that now. She belongs to me, because it’s what God wanted for both us. And trust me, giving birth doesn’t mean you won’t have a child with special needs. 

It’s always funny to me, no one asks a biological mom: “Hey, if you had known your baby was going to have a disability, would you have gotten pregnant?” But they don’t’ have any trouble asking me if I would have adopted if I had known - some even talk about how nice it is that we haven’t given her back. Seriously?!

If you’ve ever met my baby girl you would know, she is much more than her disability. She is funny, kind, loyal, helpful, and loads of fun to be with. Does she have her moments? Oh my God yes! Are there times when I can become overwhelmed, absolutely! But you know, so can any parent, of any child.

I know that adoption isn’t for everyone - but where would my baby be if we hadn’t adopted her? Would she get the help she needs? Would she get the love she needs? Would she have ended up with someone who could easily toss her aside once things got tough? Luckily, my baby will never have to wonder about any of that. But without parents willing to adopt no matter what, there are a lot of kids who will have to wonder, and that makes me sad.

I am proud to be the mom of a 13-year-old special needs child. I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s the road God has set for me and I proudly, without reservation or hesitation, accept my role. She is one of the biggest blessings of my life.

So happy birthday baby girl! Mommy loves you, always.

Buying for a Special Needs Child can be a REAL Challenge

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So, I have fallen off the wagon Big Time! So here goes... Bless me Father for I have sinned... It's been weeks since my last post. There, forgive me? Since my self imposed hiatus, GRAND THINGS have happened! My niece and nephew (Jason & Jordan) graduated from high school, Jordan is now in summer session at FAMU (the greatest University in the world!), my nephew leaves for FAU in the fall (I know, not FAM but I love him anyway), my son is preparing for high school, I am desperately working to declutter my home and life, and I am preparing for my baby girl's 13th birthday!  Whew! That is waaaaay too much! Remind me NEVER to wait this long to blog ever again! And yeah, I am probably forgetting a few things.

So where to begin. I will talk more about the day my little girl became mine on July 17 (her big day), but planning this party has given me a little insight I want to share. If you have a special needs child, give family and friends a break when it comes to presents. Take my baby girl. Physically she will be 13. But socially and emotionally she is MUCH younger. It makes figuring out what to buy really tough. They don't want to get a gift that might offend mom or dad because it's for a younger child, but you also don't want to get a gift that's too advanced that the child can't use it.

So here's a tip for those in gift-buying limbo- find out a favorite store and go with a gift card. It's easier and much less worry. And for mom's and dad's of special needs kids, try not to take offense if a friend or family member thinks a toy for ages 6-8 might be good for your 11-year-old. Navigating the special needs world is tricky for everyone. Sometimes I struggle with it. Do I buy the age appropriate gift and try to encourage her, even though at 13 that most likely involves tablets, phones, jewelry, etc. when I know she can't keep earrings on for a full day without losing them, so keeping up with a phone is out. Or, do I buy the Doc McStuffins doll I know she will LOVE and is a lot less expensive if (or most likely when) she loses it, even though Doc is for a WAY younger child?

Um, for now, while we still work on responsibility, keeping up with our own things, self advocating when a much younger child snatches mommy's IPOD from you, (need I go on?), I'm going with Doc all the way!

Yes, I know that all kids often struggling with keeping up with their things. Heck, I am a grown woman and each time I get up from a table I check to make sure I have all my stuff. But the difference is when a child without a disability is irresponsible with their things, you can use it as a teaching moment, with many special needs kids, they don't get the connection. They lost it? Oh well.

I know you can't group all special needs kids into one category, but I say be realistic and be patient with friends and family. They love your child too and no matter the gift, it is true what they say.. it's the thought that counts, right?

Every Now and Then We Need a Reminder - Racism is Real

So it has happened again. It has been nearly three weeks since my last post. There has been a lot going on so I got behind. No need for excuses, this probably won't be the last time.

So we all know the dominant story in the news has been the racist, ignorant coach of the L.A. Clippers. Here's my two cents, for what it's worth.

Sometimes I think we can get complacent and think that because there seem to be so many more privileges for minorities today that racism is a thing of the past. Every now and then we need an ignorant, arrogant, idiot to remind us that we still have to be diligent and teach tolerance, as well as a healthy does of understanding that no matter how privileged we may seem, racism is still a major fabric of our society.

We don't want to raise our Black children to believe there is a racist around every corner but they do need to understand that not everyone who shakes your hand, smiles when you walk into a room, or even signs your paycheck is a true fan of Black folks.

I know I have said this before but sometimes I think we forget that the civil rights movement was only 50 years ago. There are still many among the living that can tell you about segregation and the belief that separate was equal.

To be honest, I hope the Clippers' owner (I refuse to even use his name) won't come with the obligatory apology. What good would it do? He said what he meant, and he meant what he said. Now everyone knows where he stands. The question now is what are the rest of us going to do about it?

I chose to use it as a teaching moment with my son - to remind him that there are still those who don't want to see him succeed.

Honestly I feel the most for his players. What should they do? They are in the playoffs, they have an obligation to play, but their owner is a racist bigot. I know some felt that there silent protest wasn't enough for some, but what else can they do? Be real. I work for the school system. If the Superintendent made a racist comment caught on tape, I would be upset - but make no mistake, I am still going to work. And honestly, I can't see many who are criticizing them refusing to go to work either. Just because these men make more than the average Joe, they still have bills to pay. And they are in the playoffs. That is an accomplishment and something they should be proud of. Not even the ignorance of their owner should take that away from them.

So tonight, I am going to say an extra prayer for the Clippers' players and hope that more than just discussing this issue, it will help us remember that while we have come far, we still have a long way to go.

Take This Time To Say A Prayer

Before I start, just a quick update – my baby girl is doing really well.  The doctor has been adjusting her medication and it’s been challenging but for now, she seems to be happy and adjusting well to a new doctor.  When things are good, it’s fun to see her personality and laugh and joke with her.  She can be witty and giggle over silly things and it’s fun to just be silly right along with her.

 I guess that update leads me to what’s on my mind. Along with Autism Awareness Month, it’s also Child Abuse Prevention Month.  And while I know that I’ve touched on this before, the recent news stories  about parents hurting their children has really been hard for me to hear. 

I just don’t understand how anyone, but especially the parent, could be so cruel to a child. I don’t understand what a baby could do that is so terrible that you shake him or her to death. Don’t get me wrong, I know that children of all ages can take you to what I call “that special place.”  I’ve been a mama for a while now and they can really test you. But burning a child, picking up a knife and chasing a child to stab them, leaving toddlers and children home alone for hours while you go out to a party – things like that, take thought and planning. Getting a cigarette, lighting it, and walking over to your child and burning him or her multiple times isn’t something that just happens.

As a former foster parent, I’ve seen the damage that abuse can do to a child.  And while many of us automatically think of physical or sexual abuse, know that child abuse can come in many forms. To me, verbal abuse can be just as damaging. Neglect is also a form of abuse. Children need our attention and our time. They need direction and guidance. 

So this month I’m asking that we all say a prayer for the children who are living everyday with abuse and neglect.  Often they suffer in silence and we don’t realize what they are going through.  And use this month to pray for guidance in the raising of your own children. I’m not saying any of you reading would hurt or neglect your child, but remember, times aren’t the way they used to be. Maybe that sleepover your daughter or son wants to attend isn’t such a good idea. And finally pray for the minds of those who find it so easy to hurt children. I know it may sound strange that I would ask for you to pray that prayer but anyone who would willingly seek to hurt a child really needs prayer… and a jail cell.

I saw a quote on the Prevent Child Abuse America website that I think sums it up:  “We all play a role when it comes to the healthy development of our nation’s children.”

April and Autism

Today I was working on a project at my office and needed to do a bit of research on the latest statistics on autism. I was shocked to learn that today new numbers for children impacted  by the disorder were released by The Centers for Disease Control (CDC). The numbers show that now 1 in every 68 children (it was 1 in 88 just a few years ago) are on the autism spectrum. And now, instead of 1 in 54 boys impacted, the number is 1 in 42.

While girls are impacted at a ratio of 1 in every 189, as anyone who has read my blog knows, my baby girl is one of those. What is shocking to me is that it's been less than 7 years since the last CDC study on the impact and in a very short amount of time the number of children impacted by this disorder has increased dramatically.

With numbers like that it's very certain that almost everyone of you reading this knows a child on the autism spectrum. At the very least, you know my daughter.
As March comes to a close and we begin to move into April, I urge all of you to learn more about this complex brain disorder. I know that since being blessed with a special needs child, I have learned a lot - like how important it is not to be so quick to judge when I see a parent struggling with a child in the store. You know we've all done it. The child is acting out (or cutting the fool as my daddy says) and you think to yourself  "if that was me, I would NOT tolerate that."  But you never know what is at the root of what is going on at that moment.

Or the next time you speak to a child or ask a question and they have difficulty answering you, it may not be because they are being disrespectful or lack "home training". It may be that they lack the ability to remember or execute social norms like speaking when someone says "hello" or making eye contact.

Autism is a very complex disorder. And while there are common symptoms to look for, because it is a spectrum disorder, one child's struggle with it may look very different from another's. And it is also typical that many children on the spectrum often struggle with other diagnoses like ADHD or Sensory Perception Disorder.

There are several organizations including Autism Speaks and USF's Center for Autism and Related Disabilities that can give you a load of information about it. And for any parent that suspects their child is on the spectrum, I encourage you to talk with a neurologist and your child's pediatrician regarding testing. Early intervention is key.

This journey has sometimes been tough and we have a long way to go. But it has taught me patience, compassion, understanding, and pure unconditional love. My child has autism, but I wouldn't change her for the world.

So, Here's What I Need...

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I am really tired of myself. I know that may sound weird but I am. I think it’s true what they say, there’s no need in trying to change others when odds are, you can’t even change yourself (or something like that). 

Procrastination isn’t normally something that I indulge in (except when it comes to doing laundry, I HATE it). I figure that waiting is only going to leave me with a bigger mess later, so just get it over with. But right now, there is one area in my life that has been full of starts and stops, and no matter how much I tell myself I am going to do better, I fall off the wagon (sorta like when I forget to post for over a week!)

 I have been working on a business idea for some time. I have built the website, talked to people who have told me they think it sounds great, even had a few people take a look at the website for me. And then… my daughter has a crisis, my son wants me to go to his basketball games, my husband needs my help on a project, I have to prepare songs for choir rehearsal, the dog needs a vet appointment, I forgot to take out something for dinner and need to figure out what we are going to eat – the list is endless. Oh, and I do work full time.

I’ve read about people who stepped out there, quit their jobs, and went for their dream. I am so not that girl. I believe in my idea, and so do the handful of the friends and family that I’ve shared it with -  but will others believe in it too? And meanwhile, how will bills get paid? Can I cut expenses enough to just live off of our husband’s income? Right now, I have to be honest. I don't think I want to find out. With a special needs child, two pay checks is so better than one. Her medical expenses are no joke! 

But still, I really need to get it together. I need to carve out some time each week to dedicate to my idea and if I think it will work, find a way to get it done. I mean, I can’t possibly be the first person to work full time while building a business after hours.  Some days I am all pumped and ready to work on the idea and then I get home and start dealing with household chores, the kids, and whatever else comes up and before I know it, it’s 10:00 p.m. and I am exhausted.

So here’s what I need – someone to hold be accountable. I am going to put a standing appointment on my calendar that each week I have to update all of you on my status. If I don’t, you have my permission to call me on it. Before I share my idea with all of you I want a few more people to take a look and give me some suggestions and then, I need to stop talking about it and launch the thing! Right?