Back to Work

I decided not to press myself to blog too much over the holidays. There was lots going on, from a 4-day cruise with my daughter, mom, niece, and sisters, to getting my house back in some type of order once I returned from the trip. Of course as always, there was last minute Christmas shopping and wrapping to do.

All-in-all it was pretty uneventful. We had a great time on the cruise and my baby did well. She had a few meltdowns but that was to be expected. I have been handling them better of late. I am learning to just let some things go. If her hair doesn't look quite the way I want it to, if she has food on her clothes, if she doesn't always match the way I want her to,or if her lip is in her mouth, I just gotta deal.

When you have a special needs child you really have to learn what battles to fight and what things to leave for another day. That has been a hard lesson for me because sometimes when I let certain behavior slide I feel like I am letting her get away with doing something wrong. But eventually, I get the chance to address the behavior, if I'm patient. 

So now it's time to get ready to go back to work and school. The break was really needed and every time I feel myself getting depressed about going back, I remember that there so many that didn't get two weeks off. They were lucky if that got two days off! I will get back on a regular schedule with blogging on Monday.
Hopefully I won't get behind, but knowing me... well, let's just say it won't be a surprise if I have to send another "sorry it's been so long" post some time in 2014. For now, Happy New Year and I'll talk to you next week!

For Today I am Content

I thought about skipping a post tonight; then I remembered that skipping a night, then another night, then another... that is how it starts and before you know it, weeks will pass again with no post. I don't have much on my mind tonight. Things are quiet; my youngest is in the bed and my oldest is watching basketball (nothing new there).

I suppose if I had to describe my mood tonight I'd say I'm pretty content. Yes it's the holidays and believe me I have more than my share of things to do. There are appointments I have to make, deadlines to meet at work, gifts to purchase, and on and on. But tonight I figure those things can wait until tomorrow.

My children are okay and so is my husband, we have a roof over our head, we both have jobs to go to, there was food to eat, and even the dog is okay. So for tonight I choose to let any worries keep until tomorrow. I think it's always good to take a night or two here and there to just be grateful for what is right instead of worrying about everything that you need to fix. No matter how many times you sweep the floor, pick up after your children, fix a meal and clean the kitchen, there's more that can always be done. But I am learning that no matter what, I just can't do it all. It doesn't mean I won't try to fit in as much as possible, it just means at some point I have to let it all go, at least for a little while.

Over the past few weeks I've heard stories from friends who have a lot on their plates. And even though I know that you all know I have a lot going on too, there's always somebody whose plate is just a little fuller.

So for tonight I'm good. Tomorrow is another day, full of its own set of challenges. For now I'm living in the moment and I have to say this moment is pretty good.

A Mom & Her Son

Mother and daughter relationships are really special. You can share girlie things, go to the nail salon together, shop for clothes and get each other's opinion, or just window shop. Even though I have a special needs little girl, I still get to enjoy those types of things. It is great to experience and I love it.

But there is also something special about a mom and her boy. As I said a few posts back, I don't talk much about my baby boy (so he is almost 14 but he is still MY baby). He is a teenager and anyone who has lived through the teen years with a child knows what that means. Sometimes you wanna drop them off on an island and go back for them when they turn 25 or so. Even with the mood swings, attitude, laziness with school work (I could go on but why depress myself?), all of it - I still LOVE  having a son. It's neat to see things from  a guy's perspective (other than his dad - sorry honey). He gets so excited about basketball and he actually does more than just watch it, he analyzes it! He talks like a sports commentator. I love it when he is obviously happy that I am in attendance at his basketball games even though he tries to act cool with it.

And when no one is watching (except for maybe his dad or sister) he will lay his head on mommy's shoulder and remind me that even though he is cool and too old to have me fuss over him, he still likes to get a hug from mom now and then.

It has been amazing to watch him grow and change. One day his voice was tiny and a bit high-pitched, and the next it was so low I almost didn't recognize it. A few weeks ago I picked him up from the bus and swore he had grown during the school day.

We are giving him a bit more responsibility as he grows and it is wonderful to gently guide him while he makes decisions about how to spend his money or his free time. The other day he made me so proud. It was during the Thanksgiving break and we were going out bowling as a family. I asked him if he wanted to eat before we left, he said no. I asked again since he hadn't had a bite all day and by this time it was about noon or a bit after. Again he said no. I took a snack to the bowling alley because my baby girl has to have a snack! I brought enough for my son in case he decided he wanted a bite. After bowling we stopped off at the mall and he said "ma, can I get some of that snack? I was fasting that's why I didn't eat earlier but when you showed me those rice crispy treats the second time I knew it was time to eat!"

His desire to participate  in fasting lets me know that he is learning and growing and paying attention to what his dad and I are trying to teach him. We pray each morning on the way to school and I encourage him to pray for guidance during the school day.

I am grateful that God chose my husband and I to raise this exceptional young man. He is a great kid and I am always so happy to see him at the end of the work and school day. Yes he can still be moody and good grief he can get on my  nerves! But that's what teens do I guess. No matter how much he may frustrate me from time to time, I am still proud to be his mom and I am honored to call him son.

A Tale of Two Worlds: Charter School vs. Public School - One Mom's View

First a disclaimer, my day job is working for a local school district. Considering the topic of this post, I figured it was only fair to start with that. As you all know I have two children. What you may not know is that I have one in public school and one in a charter school.  Having a place in both worlds has taught me a lot. I know that many believe charter schools are the next big thing in education, but I am not so sure about that. There are a lot of things that parents need to take into consideration before choosing a charter school.

First a little background. The public elementary school my daughter attended was great. The teachers were supportive of her issues and did all they could to help her fit in.  But by third grade it became apparent that as she got older and her issues became more complex she would do better to be in a smaller atmosphere with an aide and a bit more support. So, I did some research and thought that the charter school my daughter currently attends might be a better fit. In some cases I think a charter school, for a specialized group of children with specialized needs, might be a good thing.  Having said that, it often irritates me when people think that charter schools have the power to make children geniuses, while public schools are just plugging along.

Here’s what I’ve learned. Charter schools can take applications and choose the children they want to allow into their schools, public schools can’t do that.  Public schools must educate any child no matter what. Some charter schools are requiring volunteer hours in order for your child to remain at the school – yeah right, do you really think a public school could get away with that? Most parents at a charter school are committed to the school and to doing whatever they can to make the school successful. In a public school there are often homeless children, children with parents who want to be involved but often can’t afford to take time off from work, children with parents who frankly, just don’t care, children whose parents are doing all they can but the child doesn’t care. The point is - public schools, unlike charter schools, can’t turn students away, or kick them out if their parents don’t donate or give enough volunteer hours. Until recently (when some parents in the district complained) my daughter’s charter school and many others in my area, required so many hours of volunteering and if you didn’t meet the volunteer-hours quota, you could pay $10 per required volunteer hour instead.  That always bothered me but I felt like, hey what was I going to do? It was play by their rules or she was out.

And then there is the reporting process.  In the last few years I have felt as though my daughter’s school, (one that accepts children with all sorts of disabilities) is spreading itself too thin. When you take children with everything from a mood disorder to downs syndrome and everything in between, how can you possibly make sure all IEPs are followed and that they all get the attention they need? In public schools there is a hierarchy, a chain of command when you don’t get the level of assistance or answers you need. In a charter school that chain simply doesn’t exist. I have no idea who to go to if I don’t get the level of assistance her IEP demands. The charter school is an independent entity. While it is true that school districts monitor charter schools, those schools are still independent and as long as they follow state rules, they can run their school the way they see fit.

Don’t get me wrong, public schools have their share of challenges, that is FOR SURE. But while I believe charter schools may be really good for a certain niche or type of student, I still believe that at the end of the day, public schools need more support, more assistance, more parental involvement, heck they just need more. Everyone thinks they know how to solve the education crisis - business men who have never taught a day in their lives, politicians who just say whatever they think the public wants to hear to get elected, you name it. Meanwhile children, my son and daughter included, are trying to figure out how to perform for the latest standardized test that proves … um anybody know what it proves?

Do I have the answer to the problem? Heck no, I am still struggling with potty training my special needs child.  But I will say this, putting up a charter school on every corner isn’t the answer. And standardized testing students to death in public schools, changing the standards every five minutes, and making teachers so responsible for students that they should be able to claim their entire class on their taxes, isn’t the way to go either. For all of our children’s sakes, we have to find a balance. So before you get angry at your child’s neighborhood school and pull them out for the latest charter school fad be sure that you can say you supported the school as best you could, you worked with the teachers tirelessly, you wrote your legislator about all of the rules and regulations they have demanded, many that don’t even make sense. Just make sure you did more. Take it from me, a mom with a foot in both worlds (charter school and public school), what they say is true – the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

P.S. Aren’t you proud of me, blogging two days in a row! Maybe I am turning over a new leaf!

Oops I Did It Again!

This is soooo sad. Every time I promise myself I won’t do it again, and then days turn into weeks, weeks into a month and…. I always admire people that can juggle a million hats and still find time to blog on a regular basis. And as calming as writing can be, I am absolutely exhausted by the end of the day and figure blogging can wait until tomorrow.

A quick recap, my daughter is doing about the same.  Her charter school is failing her in my opinion. They aren’t following all that her IEP says they are to do. She is coming home soaking wet more days than I care to count and, this is rich, recently they sent home a referral because she has to be redirected too often in class… seriously?  The child has ADHD, duh! Of course you have to constantly redirect her.  And then she apparently rolled her eyes at the teacher. Again, I say, really? The child has a mood disorder um yeah, rolling her eyes, that’s pretty typical.  Don’t get me wrong, I know she must learn to follow rules and focus on her work, but this teacher had detailed days that she had to deal with the behavior, yet, I never got a phone call or a note. And if they sent the note home with my daughter, yeah, it’s a wing and a prayer if she actually keeps everything in her book bag. 

She has been more aggressive lately, more defiant. But when you add hormones on top of everything else, that is to be expected. They told me the middle school years would be tough but OMG, I never expected all of this!
Meanwhile my 8^th-grader is giving me a run for my money. Typical teen, he knows everything and his dad and I are totally clueless. It’s amazing how hard it is for kids to picture that their parents were once their age and that no matter what they come up with to try and break the rules, there is NOTHING new under the sun.  I don’t blog much about my son, not because I don’t want to, but he is at an age where he really values his privacy and I try to respect that. But even though he can drive me CRAZY and he can often want to take the easy way out when it comes to school work, he is an amazing young man. It has been a joy to watch him grow. He will be 14 in two short months. Even though I’ve been a witness to every moment of his life, I can’t believe how quickly time has gone by.

And I have really gotten into a new hobby – cooking. For years I’ve allowed most to believe I cook just enough to make sure everyone in my home eats, but I am actually pretty good at it. And over the past year or so I’ve discovered that when I kick my family out of the kitchen and have the room all to myself, it relaxes me. I am so focused on the recipe (if I am cooking something new) or on changing things up to keep it from getting boring, that I don’t worry as much about my daughter’s future, getting my son through high school with all of the RIDICULOUS changes the school system is making, or the fact that my husband left his shoes in the middle of the floor for us all to trip over (sorry honey). I will have to share some of my favorite recipes from time-to-time.

Meanwhile, I will blog again tomorrow (I PROMISE!). For all you parents thinking about charter school vs. public school, my next entry will be of great interest to you. Until then… hope your Thanksgiving was a good one.

Tantrums, Sleepless Nights, FMLA and a Fractured Ankle

Wow, I can’t believe the summer is just about done and it’s time to send my babies off to school. Although they are now 12 and 13, they will always be mama’s babies. So I haven’t blogged in a while – big surprise. Believe me, I have thought about it, but working 10-hour days, participating in church activities, keeping my house in order, and managing a special needs child and a 13-year-old left little time for sleep much less writing.

But I have to say I have missed it, and boy has it been a busy summer. My daughter’s tantrums and downright belligerence has ebbed and flowed.  The change in her ADHD medicine has helped some, and I think I am getting better at learning how to pick my battles with her. She’s had a few bouts of sleeplessness but not too bad. She enjoyed her trip to Baltimore, although after a few days of sleeping in a bed other than her own (in the hotel), she was a bit frazzled. She is always excited to go visit a new place but equally excited to return to the familiarity of what she knows.

Almost two weeks ago though, she fractured her ankle and is now in a cast. The child loves to flip and although they told her to stop, she just HAD to try one more and …. Yep CRACK! I don’t have to tell you, a child who isn’t a special needs child in a cast can’t be fun, add my daughter’s disability on top of it and it’s a recipe for disaster. We are making the best of it though.

Recently I  filled out my FMLA paperwork for another year and this time, when I read the list of diagnoses her doctor included in the justification, one really struck me. Mind you, it doesn’t come as a surprise that she added it and it isn’t unexpected, but to see it in writing really threw me for a loop.  While I share a lot in this blog, I won’t name the diagnoses out of respect for my baby girl’s privacy. But most of you can likely guess. It’s hard to explain why a diagnoses that I knew was inevitable seemed to impact me so – maybe it’s because seeing it in writing makes it seem so final, so permanent, so real. I often wonder how I will ever be able to explain all of it to my daughter. Some days I know she feels that she is different, other days, she seems blissfully unaware.  I don’t know that she fully understands all that is challenging in her life and I have to say, sometimes I am grateful for that. When she is happy and smiling and in a goofy mood I see the little girl that she could be if it wasn’t for the mental illness that sometimes makes life so difficult for her. It makes me cry. But I have to remind myself that no matter how much I grieve for what she will never know or understand, I must be grateful for the fact that she is here and that I have the privilege of being her mommy.

Work has been a trip too, more on that later though. And I have much to say about my son, the young man who didn’t ask for a special needs sibling but handles it well anyway.  For now, I just wanted to say I’ve missed writing and to let you know that my little girl keeps keeping on!

On The Battlefield

I have wrestled with whether or not I should touch on this topic but, if I can’t be honest in this blog, then what’s the point? A few weeks ago I attended a meeting. It was a place I thought was safe and one where I could express my feelings without worrying about being judged. As the conversation took form (we normally have a guest speaker to discuss a particular topic) I asked a question. The discussion began to settle on the need to have certain services in place to assist children in foster care and adoption so the transition to a forever family is a smooth one. The thought was that this would limit the number of disruptions where children and up back in foster care.

While everyone seemed to agree this was an excellent idea, I wanted to know how we made sure this actually happened. How is an adoptive parent or perspective adoptive parent, going to set up all of the necessary therapies, sessions, appointments, etc. when there is so much interference. I expressed my concern and quite frankly, bitterness, at the number of times you are given a number to call for assistance only to find out they can’t help, won’t help, don’t know how to help, have no idea what to do to help. Several other parents expressed the same frustration and despair.  I told the group that while I knew I would have to deal with and battle the behaviors my special needs child exhibits and the non compliance when she won’t do what I ask, I didn’t know I would have to battle adults to get them to do what they are supposed to do.

While it was clear I and other parents were frustrated, we weren’t loud, we didn’t yell, we didn’t speak out of turn, any of that.  But a few days later one of the organizers of the support group said she got a call specifically related to me. The person wanted to know if I was OK. They said I was obviously upset and  they wondered how that anger and resentment might be trickling over into my parenting of my daughter.
...Wow. Let me say first that as I stated earlier I wasn’t the only person to express frustration at the system. But I was the only one this “person” felt compelled to inquire about. I have a few theories about how that came to be. One I won’t discuss here but the other I will. I haven’t made many friends over the past few years as I’ve battled the system to do right by my daughter. When you adopt in my county, they are so eager to congratulate you and to tell you how they will be there to help after the adoption if you need it. In my experience, and that of many I have spoken to, that statement is one of the biggest lies in foster care and adoption.  Since adopting my daughter I have requested assistance on many levels from financial to emotional – each time my requests have been thwarted. It takes no less than 5-6 phone calls to get a person on the phone, in most cases that person won’t be able to answer your question. They then direct you to someone who should be able to help. You call that person, 8 phone calls later you finally get them on the phone or they finally get around to returning your call – only to tell you that they can’t assist you either and don’t know why the last person gave you their number. Then they tell you who they think can help.... you get the picture.

My unwillingness to accept such mediocre treatment often makes me a target. They all just want me to shut up and go away.  But no matter how angry I get at the system, anyone with half a brain would know that has nothing to do with how I feel about my daughter. She can’t control the incompetence of the system anymore than I can. So for every parent fighting for the rights of their children, I salute you and encourage you to keep fighting, even when some might try to use intimidation and false accusation to get you to stop. Know that you aren’t fighting alone and that no matter how tired you may feel there is at least one other soldier on the battlefield with you – I won’t stop if you won’t.