Beautifully and Wonderfully Made

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So I've had another long moment without blogging. I know, I know, I have got to do better.  There have been a few things in the news I am ready to weigh in on. What I want to talk about today has been something that really sent me through an entire flood of emotions - sadness, anger, bewilderment, you name it.

There have been two cases recently of children in my area murdered at the hands of their own parents. First, a 9-week old baby beaten to death by his father while his mother helped cover it up. In the other case, an 11-year-old girl was severely abused, locked in a bathroom for days, and authorities believe she was murdered by her mother, her body locked in a freezer that she asked a relative to keep for her (the relative had no idea what was inside).

Stories like these really break my heart and remind me of just how thankful we should all be for the foster care and adoption system. Do you know why the poor little girl was locked for days in the bathroom and, according to her siblings, severely beaten if she tried to escape? It was because she often had trouble making it to the bathroom and had an accident here or there. Sound familiar? If not for the system, that could have been my baby. At 14, anyone who reads my blog knows she is still struggling with potty training. Having to carry a bag with extra clothes, underwear, wipes, and hygiene products everywhere I go can sometimes be a bit daunting. And I have to leave a change of clothes at the school, at after care, in the car, at the church, and at my parents’ house. But as overwhelming as I sometimes feel, I ASKED for this job. And so did this little girl’s mom.  Maybe she didn’t intend to get pregnant but when her daughter was born, I am sure there were dozens of couples (and even single folks) who would have been willing to adopt her. Once you take that child home and commit to being a parent, there is no excuse for her actions. And my God, what in the world could a 9-week old have done that would warrant beating him to death?

Although these two poor children fell through the cracks and the system was unable to get to them in time, there are hundreds more like them that are removed from their homes before they meet such a tragic end. Now, I am not naïve, I know that there are those who become foster parents for all the wrong reasons, and no system is perfect. But I just wanted to say a big THANK YOU for all of those who have readily agreed to love and care for children whose parents just couldn’t or wouldn’t.

And even if foster care isn’t for you, I am sure there is a child at your church, in your family, or in the family of a friend, that you can reach out to and offer a little help, guidance, love, or support. 

I am proud to be an adoptive mom and to know that my baby girl will NEVER have to suffer shame or feel inadequate because of something she can’t control. Even though she AND her brother can test my patience, I wouldn’t change one hair on their head. They are beautifully and wonderfully made, and they are mine.

Can You Please.... READ THE IEP!

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I think I am going to go into the T-shirt business - it’s such a great way to express myself and trust me, I need to express myself. The first one I am going to have made will go something like this: On the back the shirt will say: “I’ve just gotta know…” And on the front will be: “Before you called me… did you read her IEP?”

I think I will wear it every time I have to go to J’s school to go over, for the millionth time, the things they should be following as it’s stated in her IEP.

My baby has already started school and it’s been, um let’s call it challenging. I’ve talked to several parents and I am not the only mom having a bit of trouble.  Let me go down a quick list. The first day of school J didn’t use the bathroom at all. She’s in a new part of the school and wasn’t sure where to find the restroom.  Self-advocating is a skill she needs to work on (it’s in her IEP) and she should be sent to the nurse every 2 hours (that’s in the IEP too) so knowing where the bathrooms are should not have been an issue.

Then I got a call about her pants, in her IEP (see a theme forming here??) she is excused from the typical uniform pants. But they had a problem with the material the pants were made of.  They called her down to the office and scared the daylights out of her. She thought she was in trouble. What can she do about the pants I bought for her?

I had to send my mother to the school to find out about the restroom, meanwhile, I had to visit five or six stores to try and find a material that they liked better.

While my mom was at the school, an interesting thing happened. While the administrator talked with my mother, (who came up there about the bathroom issues) she asked about J’s hair.  When she is stressed or restless, she pulls at her hair so she has been given permission to wear a scarf to school. The administrator asked, and my mother indicated that she’s still tugging at it most days. The woman then asked my mother the question that really irks me… “Is there anything different or going on at home?”

… Are you for real?  Funny you can think to ask about her hair, but for some reason we can’t remember the restroom, self-advocacy assistance, or uniform provisions in the same IEP. And asking me if there is something going on at home?  Read the IEP! She has multiple diagnoses. She can get stressed out if I ask her to brush her teeth! And if we want to talk about stress, calling her down to the office on the first day about her pants didn’t build self-confidence. She was so proud of her outfit. She tried it on the night before and everything. And I might add, the pants were made of the same material she wore all through middle school.

For most of you, school starts this week – a word of advice. Take my experience as a reminder that no matter how long your child has been at a school and no matter how much information is in the IEP, get ready to advocate for your child and remind the school of its obligation. Remember, the IEP isn’t a suggestion; it is the law. You must comply with what is in the document, period.

And for anyone working with ESE students and you want to call home to speak with mom or dad, don’t ask parents if there is something going on at home.  Don’t get me wrong if there is an odd change in behavior I can perhaps understand the question, but really? She’s been pulling out her hair since she was in elementary school, this isn’t new. And… it’s in the IEP! I’ve learned that many don’t read it and they should.

Be sure to have a copy of the IEP handy, and be prepared to refer to it often. Don’t be afraid to repeat yourself, because trust me, you are going to have to.

And if you want a T-shirt, let me know. I’ll share the design when it’s done.

Remember to be Thankful

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I had my entire blog written and ready to post yesterday. This particular entry was just a vent for me, and the trouble I’ve had since my daughter has returned to school. But I will post that later this week. When I woke up yesterday, the story I have linked to below was leading the local news. Five people died in a horrible car crash and a 6-year-old boy is fighting for his life. He doesn’t know his mommy is among the five who were killed.

Three of the crash victims are siblings and their father is a local pastor, Ricardo Welch, at the Prayer Tower Church of God in Christ in St. Petersburg, FL. I know the family and they are very close to relatives of mine in the area. His daughters and a friend were returning from the church’s jurisdictional meeting in the Fort Pierce area. The roads were wet and the truck the little boy’s mother was driving began to hydroplane as she lost control and she hit the car the sisters were driving in. In an instant Pastor Welch lost three of his children, Lamour Welch, 29; India Welch, 24; and Tehira Welch, 18. Their friend, Antwayne Robinson, 25 was also killed. The driver of the pick up, Jennifer Zuniga, 30 was the final fatality. There was no alcohol involved, no texting while driving, it was just a horrible, tragic accident.

I can’t imagine the grief that all of the families are going through. And it will certainly be a test of faith for the Pastor who lost three of his children in seconds.  So I decided that for today it was better for me to be thankful and leave the venting for another day. I am thankful for the troubles I am having with J’s school because it means she is still here with me. Lately she’s been, a bit restless, walking in circles more while she reads and interrupting when I am talking with someone. Sunday afternoon I was at my wits end with it, but today I am thankful she is here to drive me crazy every now and then. My son is still a moody teen (although he is beginning to turn into a human being again), and as much as it irritates me to have to remind him to put his clothes away or work on his virtual class, he is alive, healthy and here for me to love, mold, and care for.

So today I ask that you all take a moment to read the article about these girls and to be thankful for every single moment you have with your children, even when they drive you insane. I am sure that when they got into the car to make their way home, their dad had no idea he would never see them again.

To all of the families involved in this crash and to others dealing with loss today, I pray for you, you are in my thoughts. I know comfort is a long ways off, but know that because of all of you, I am remembering the importance of thankfulness.

http://tinyurl.com/pb9slzy

Time To Figure Out What's Next

As my baby girl gets older, (she just had a birthday July 17) I am beginning to think about my options as she makes her way to 18. If you are the parent of a special needs child who is 13 and up, I encourage you to do begin thinking about it as well. 

There is so much to consider. Do you want to have full responsibility and guardianship over your son or daughter? If you do, it may be harder to accomplish that than you think. In many states you must almost have your child declared incompetent, which for most of us, will be near impossible to do. If you do have complete control, will you be on the hook for anything they may do (liability in a car accident, if they have an argument or altercation with a neighbor, etc). 

In Florida (and some other states) there is something called Guardianship Advocacy. This allows you to assist your child in making decisions after they become an adult and will restrict certain things they would be allowed to do without your consent, but you do not have complete legal control over your child.

Wading through these decisions will take the assistance of a lawyer very well versed in the field. I would also recommend talking with a lawyer regarding social security and disability benefits.  When your child turns 18, the law says he or she is an adult and can make their own decisions – no matter how ill prepared they may be. When my daughter turns 18, she may have the maturity level of 13-year-old. How is she ever going to be able to take care of her own business? Let’s say for example, she gets upset with me on the way to a doctor’s visit and innocently says, “I am upset with mommy and I don’t want her to come in with me.” I won’t be allowed to be a part of her visit or know what changes to meds may have been made. Well, with a child like mine, by the end of the visit, whatever she was upset about is over, but that won’t matter.

Raising a special needs child is a challenge and I have to say that the older she gets, the more complicated it becomes. Taking her into adulthood isn’t going to be easy but hopefully starting early will give me some piece of mind. 

As I start this new journey, I will be sure to keep you posted and share what I’ve learned. In the meantime, if you live in Florida, take a look at this website: http://flcourts18.org/PDF/gurardianship_rev1-07.pdf

It hasn’t been updated since 2007 but it will get you started.