A Broken System

#168360249 / gettyimages.com

I read a story several days ago about a young, single mom who let her daughter play in the park while she worked her shift at McDonald’s. Not having any family in the area, she would at times allow her to sit at her job but knew that couldn’t be a long-term solution.  So, when her daughter begged her to play in the park, the 19-year-old mother, with few options, reluctantly agreed.

I also read a story about a woman who left her two kids in the car while she went on a job interview.  Practically homeless, she had very few options and couldn't find a sitter.

In both cases, the mothers were arrested and their children stripped from them … gee, that was real helpful. 

Sometimes I wonder about the country I live in. McDonald’s fired the 19-year-old mother, (although I understand she did get her daughter back) and the other mom got a ridiculous sentence that was overturned after public outcry. Both are working with lawyers who have been kind enough to take their cases pro bono. 

Reading stories like this, I am convinced the system is rigged to keep you down. Did they make the smartest choices, of course not, but clearly these two women didn’t need to be arrested and have their children traumatized. What they needed was a little help and compassion. I know many who are on public assistance – working for minimum wage barely making it. They get about $300-$500 in food stamps depending on the number of children they have, their rent is next to nothing on Section 8, and they get Medicaid. So they find a job making say, $1.50 more an hour - so they go from making about $7.50 an hour to $9.00 an hour. Now, their food stamps are cut in half, their rent goes up 25% and they lose their Medicaid. Really?! Then what do they do - quit the job and go back to staying at home or a they get another job making little to nothing (not that $9.00 is a lot of money).  And the vicious cycle continues.

I get that the more you make, the less you should need in terms of assistance, but good grief, give them a chance to get settled, to save a little, to get a raise or two under their belt.  I can even see requiring them to work with someone to help them budget and plan for the day they won’t need assistance anymore. How great it would have been if the system had a place these two moms could have turned to for help with child care, without charging them. What a concept! 

No one can deny that the cost of living is pretty steep no matter where you live. And I know that there are those who take advantage of the system. But there has to be a way not to pull up the flowers with the weeds – that is, look at every case individually instead of painting everyone on assistance with the same broad brush and treating each case the same.

In many ways, I think this country has lost its compassion, and a place without compassion is a scary place to be.

Finding Peace in the Kitchen

#147205744 / gettyimages.com

I have a hectic life. Anyone who has ever read my blog knows that is true. It doesn't make me special, lots of us have a hectic lives.  But I am learning in all of the chaos, that I am no good to anyone if I don't take care of myself. I know, I know, I've said that before, but I need to keep saying it until I really get it.

Finding ways to make my life less complicated is number one on my list these days.  First, I am working on decluttering. I am amazed at the amount of STUFF we have accumulated over the 12 years we've lived in our home. Things that I haven't used or looked at in weeks, months, maybe even years - I am getting rid of it. When I can walk into the room and everything is in it's place, it makes me calmer, more in control.

And I am trying to remind myself to do the things that bring me calm and balance no matter what. For me, (at least lately) it's been trying new dishes for my family and friends to eat. I love it. I kick everyone out of the kitchen, put on a favorite Tyler Perry video and go to town. This weekend I made chicken, pork chops, pear and apple cobbler, homemade chicken salad, and a corn dip. I shared some of it with my church family.  It is relaxing and it does serve a practical purpose. Working 10 hour days in the summer means I am SO not coming home and cooking from scratch when I get off for the day.

I am also trying to learn to really evaluate the big picture on things. For example, my daughter's ABA therapist gave me a list of things she wanted me to work on with J before we met again. With work, packing for our trip (remember when we go out of town packing for my daughter isn't typical packing), taking the trip, getting up to speed when I returned to work, and on and on - I didn't get to all of it. I was a bit stressed about how I was going to explain why I didn't get it all in. Then I decided, so what happens if I didn't get the chance to get it all done? Will the world end? I just can't do everything all of the time. Once I accepted that and just decided to let her know, hey, with all I have going on we were able to do this, and this but not this, it made me feel a lot better - sorta like a weight had been lifted.

Understanding limits and admitting that there are only so many hours in a day and only so much I can do makes it easier for me to decide that at some point, I have taken care of all that I can and the rest will have to wait until tomorrow, or the next day, or even the next week. It may even mean disappointing someone that wants me to do something for them, but I can't always make the needs of others more important than my own. I can't make their problems mine.

There are times when I still get stressed and as I go through the mental list of all of the things I need to do, I have to remind myself that I can't do 28 hours of work in a 24-hour day. But I am getting better. And along the way, I have found some great recipes I am excited to try. Cobbler anyone?

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

#151328465 / gettyimages.com

Thirteen years ago today my youngest child was born. I don’t know a lot about her birth or what happened as she took her first breath and cried for the first time. I met her two years later. She was a shy toddler trying to figure out what was happening in her little world as she came to live with us.

She was cute as a button and we bonded over shoes. I think I have told this story before, but in the beginning she was understandably scared and wondering what was going on. But I took her to a shoe store to get her foot sized for new shoes. She looked at me and said “mommy, new shoes for me?” I said, “yes pumpkin, new shoes for you!” I have been mommy ever since.

I know that most of you know my baby is also my special needs child. And I know that many of you wonder that if I had known about the extent of her issues before the adoption would we have gone through with it. I also know that many people who consider adoption are often terrified that they might end up with a child with more issues than they think they can handle.  Here’s how I feel: I can’t go back in time. I didn’t get all of the information I should have before our adoption, can't undo that now. She belongs to me, because it’s what God wanted for both us. And trust me, giving birth doesn’t mean you won’t have a child with special needs. 

It’s always funny to me, no one asks a biological mom: “Hey, if you had known your baby was going to have a disability, would you have gotten pregnant?” But they don’t’ have any trouble asking me if I would have adopted if I had known - some even talk about how nice it is that we haven’t given her back. Seriously?!

If you’ve ever met my baby girl you would know, she is much more than her disability. She is funny, kind, loyal, helpful, and loads of fun to be with. Does she have her moments? Oh my God yes! Are there times when I can become overwhelmed, absolutely! But you know, so can any parent, of any child.

I know that adoption isn’t for everyone - but where would my baby be if we hadn’t adopted her? Would she get the help she needs? Would she get the love she needs? Would she have ended up with someone who could easily toss her aside once things got tough? Luckily, my baby will never have to wonder about any of that. But without parents willing to adopt no matter what, there are a lot of kids who will have to wonder, and that makes me sad.

I am proud to be the mom of a 13-year-old special needs child. I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s the road God has set for me and I proudly, without reservation or hesitation, accept my role. She is one of the biggest blessings of my life.

So happy birthday baby girl! Mommy loves you, always.

Buying for a Special Needs Child can be a REAL Challenge

#138323553 / gettyimages.com

So, I have fallen off the wagon Big Time! So here goes... Bless me Father for I have sinned... It's been weeks since my last post. There, forgive me? Since my self imposed hiatus, GRAND THINGS have happened! My niece and nephew (Jason & Jordan) graduated from high school, Jordan is now in summer session at FAMU (the greatest University in the world!), my nephew leaves for FAU in the fall (I know, not FAM but I love him anyway), my son is preparing for high school, I am desperately working to declutter my home and life, and I am preparing for my baby girl's 13th birthday!  Whew! That is waaaaay too much! Remind me NEVER to wait this long to blog ever again! And yeah, I am probably forgetting a few things.

So where to begin. I will talk more about the day my little girl became mine on July 17 (her big day), but planning this party has given me a little insight I want to share. If you have a special needs child, give family and friends a break when it comes to presents. Take my baby girl. Physically she will be 13. But socially and emotionally she is MUCH younger. It makes figuring out what to buy really tough. They don't want to get a gift that might offend mom or dad because it's for a younger child, but you also don't want to get a gift that's too advanced that the child can't use it.

So here's a tip for those in gift-buying limbo- find out a favorite store and go with a gift card. It's easier and much less worry. And for mom's and dad's of special needs kids, try not to take offense if a friend or family member thinks a toy for ages 6-8 might be good for your 11-year-old. Navigating the special needs world is tricky for everyone. Sometimes I struggle with it. Do I buy the age appropriate gift and try to encourage her, even though at 13 that most likely involves tablets, phones, jewelry, etc. when I know she can't keep earrings on for a full day without losing them, so keeping up with a phone is out. Or, do I buy the Doc McStuffins doll I know she will LOVE and is a lot less expensive if (or most likely when) she loses it, even though Doc is for a WAY younger child?

Um, for now, while we still work on responsibility, keeping up with our own things, self advocating when a much younger child snatches mommy's IPOD from you, (need I go on?), I'm going with Doc all the way!

Yes, I know that all kids often struggling with keeping up with their things. Heck, I am a grown woman and each time I get up from a table I check to make sure I have all my stuff. But the difference is when a child without a disability is irresponsible with their things, you can use it as a teaching moment, with many special needs kids, they don't get the connection. They lost it? Oh well.

I know you can't group all special needs kids into one category, but I say be realistic and be patient with friends and family. They love your child too and no matter the gift, it is true what they say.. it's the thought that counts, right?